It's been a while since I wrote. I've been neglecting myself a little by not writing for so long. It's starting to finally catch up with me and I need an outlet now.
Not sure why, but when someone baby's dogs, it always seems to get to me. I can't explain why. This happened when I lived with my roommate in Dallas, when he would coddle his little dog it would just eat at me. Now that I'm going to be around little dogs a lot, this is something I have to face, and deal with now. I can't think for the life of me what is wrong with me. However the issue as I said before is that when you coddle/baby dogs, it really bugs me, it eats at me. I start to think irrationally, and it kinda bothers me. I shouldn't think like this, however I get this overwhelming urge to yell, "Stop it, there just dogs!!" It's a very powerful feeling, and it just eats away at me. Yes, it is completely irrational. I have to ask myself, am just a selfish unloving jerk? Am I jealous? What is it...
Am I incapable of loving? Tomorrow I am going to have to go to a meeting and try and talk about it. Because it is completely irrational, I don't like it. It just doesn't make any sense. I wish I could see a therapist. Cause I don't have anyone to talk to about this, at least I don't think I do.
I think this also keeps me from bonding with the dogs as well. I know that they can totally sense my negative energy, however it seems that the dog, specifically as a puppy. I think I'm just frustrated that I don't have the same bond with them that she does. That the my actions don't have the same result. Even though I think I am doing the exact same thing. Not sure as to what I could do differently. I want them to be happy to see me when I come home. This is why I wanted a cat a few years ago. Because it drove me crazy not to have an animal show the affection that it would show it's owners. I haven't thought about this in quite a few years. These feelings have been dormant since I moved and removed myself from pet ownership. However living with a pets again, has drawn out these feelings in me. Maybe I'm a little impatient and want them to react how I want them to react...
The whole house training thing seems to not bother me as much as the lack of affection toward me. Maybe I just need to distract myself from them. Because this is ultimately the same issue that I ran into with Randy's dog's, I started to get attached however they are ultimately not mine. And that makes a huge difference in the attitude of myself and of the dogs. Our ideas on how to raise dogs differ from one another. This is something that I know will just grow and grow it's like a festering sore. Am I being totally inflexible? I'm not totally sure. I guess I have to talk about it and see.
