Friday, August 31, 2007

Frustration at clouded future

My date is looming. There is this grey cloud hanging over my head. This cloud of uncertainty, I hate this feeling of not knowing what is going to happen. So much is at stake for me. I’m putting my life back together. However it seems that it is for nothing. Because in a few weeks it could all come to a crashing end, then it’s time for prison, jail. This is no way to live.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that the judicial system is not for reforming or keeping people honest, it’s just for punishment. It’s up to the individual to get himself out of it. I really wonder if the system and the victims ever think about how much is actually inflicted upon an individual when they go to jail/prison. You are punished in so many ways. It leaves all of your obligations hanging, which punishes you, financially. Let alone the fines that you have to pay.

I almost feel that there is just no point in continuing, in fighting for this. This pile of shit seems so insurmountable. Yes, I know I caused it myself, I have no one else to blame but myself. How does one deal with this? Because once I get out of jail, pay my dues to society. Then what? Coming out, in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but the clothes on my back, and whatever money is in my account. If any will be there when I get done, I’m going to have to put my stuff in storage, and I don’t even know for how long. This is no way to live a life. My lawyer is no help. She just quotes me the book. Doesn’t tell me what has happened in the past. God, I don’t want to be a dead beat. But this is the path I see for myself. I’m not a loser, but shit… I can’t explain this. I feel my drive is slowly slipping away due to all of this uncertainty.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Addiction

"Parents were worried in the '60s about their kids being addicted to television; now they're worried about their kids being addicted to their computer screens," Miller says. "We don't need a new term in order to describe behavior that's been around for thousands of years -- the choices we make between pleasure and responsibility. We all have to struggle with putting aside things that are gratifying, but aren't satisfying over the long term."

 

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Thoughts about impending court date(s)

As the time gets closer the worrying is eating away at my peace of mind. I know when I get to court I’m going to have to prove that I’m not some dead beat, revolving door alcoholic. Talking to my father tonight really clued me into a couple of things. I know no one is above the law, unless you have a lot of money, but sometimes things aren’t so black and white. There is a human, if you will, a grey side, to problems. That’s where a judge comes in. Actually the court is supposed to be the last step, because you couldn’t do it yourself. Unfortunately that’s where I fall into. Edesapa says, “it is making excuses”. I don’t buy that. Yeah, the cold hard facts of the matter are yea, but there are deeper underlying issues at play that someone may not understand. I am referring to any kind of an addiction, specifically. I can’t hide the horrific fact of what I did, nor do I have a desire to. However that doesn’t mean I am not remorseful at what I have done. I’m going to be working on a letter to the judge throwing myself at the mercy of the court. Hopeful he won’t send me back to that horrible place.  

 

For many years I was not happy with what I had become, and angry with myself for it. I thought if I shut out the world that it will get better. That is why I moved to Seattle because I wanted to become a better person, to see myself accomplish something. Yet here I am in Austin, with no car, nothing to show for myself, except the fact that I’m still alive and there are people that love me, more than I know, or ever will. I don’t want to go back to jail. I saw what it does to people. I don’t want to become a statistic. You know here is the peace in this crazy hare brain thought. I don’t control any of that. This is the thinking that I have to stop, otherwise I will go crazy. This is that alcoholic side of me. My fate is in God’s hands, I know he has something good set out for me.

 

I’ve just got to have faith.

 

These are the kind of thoughts that I get when I can’t do something productive. i.e. go run. It’s only been a week. I think it’s more doing something that makes you happy. Releases the endorphins naturally, that is what keeps the machinery happy. Keep you happy. Something that everyone needs to do on a regular basis, helps to keep those crazy thoughts to a minimum.

Monday, August 20, 2007

My hero(s)

I've been troubled by this for a while. I don't know why I am, but I am. You know they ask kids who is your hero. When was the last time that you asked yourself that question? I have been pondering this question for a couple of months now. I haven't been able to think of who my hero is. Hell I didn't even know where to start.

 

I first had to find out what the word meant. It felt like when you know how to use a word in a sentence, but when someone asks you, what does that word mean. You usually end up at a loss for words. (If you say it hasn't happened to you, you're just not being honest with yourself)

 

Main Entry: he·ro
Pronunciation:
'hir-(")O
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural heroes
Etymology: Latin heros, from Greek hErOs
1 a : a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability b : an illustrious warrior c : a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities d : one that shows great courage
2 a : the principal male character in a literary or dramatic work b : the central figure in an event, period, or movement
3 plural usually heros : SUBMARINE 2
4 : an object of extreme admiration and devotion : IDOL

Source: http://webster.com/dictionary/hero

 

After looking at this definition, I wondered what the new age internet dictionary, Wikipedia.org would say.

 

For other uses, see Hero (disambiguation).

"Heroine" redirects here. For the drug, see heroin.

Sir Galahad, a hero of Arthurian legend, detail of a painting by George Frederic Watts

Sir Galahad, a hero of Arthurian legend, detail of a painting by George Frederic Watts

From the Greek ρως (demi-god), in mythology and folklore, heroes were originally the offpsring of mortals and gods.[1] Later, hero (male) and heroine (female) came to refer to characters that, in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self-sacrifice, that is, heroism, for some greater good, originally of martial courage or excellence but extended to more general moral excellence.

Stories of heroism may serve as moral examples, impressing a culture's ethical code, especially for the young.[citation needed] In classical antiquity, hero cults, veneration of deified heroes such as Heracles, Perseus, or Achilles, played an important role in Ancient Greek religion. Later emperors employed hero worship for their own apotheosis, that is, cult of personality.

Source: http://webster.com/dictionary/illustrious

The Wiki definition seemed to spell it out for me a little better. It answered my question directly in the context that I was looking for. But if you look at both sources, they both say the same thing. One just says it without provoking a thought in me. (How's that for new age)

c : a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities d : one that shows great courage

I say this with a deep regret. Trying to find someone that fit this for me was a difficult task. Yea sure it would be easy to name a family member or prominent public figure, maybe a celebrity. The celebrity being the person you think you know, when in reality you only the persona that they portray, that makes them money. It is after all they're job to do this. It is us, the public, that wants more and more of this, fakeness, to be lied to. Then there are those prominent public figures that even the celebrities won't, at least the respectful ones, say a derogatory word about. There are very few of those people. The prominent public figures are the ones that seem the most real and human to me, the ones that seem to measure up to the word, hero. Here I am just listing the people, real people, that I have come up with, that in my eyes have the qualities of a hero, and my reasons. While still retaining they're humanity and vulnerability. People I admire, and, that help to inspire me to become a better person.

Carly Fiorina – One of the most successful women in business. She and one of my other heroes have a lot in common. She is a true leader. She came into an "all American" company that was on the decline and guided it through the rough seas. Through determination and persistence, she oversaw the merger with Compaq, and made it work. It was a tough and trying time for all involved. That is why there is supposed to be one leader of a company. She showed grace and poise when it came to her duties and stuck by her convictions when it didn't work out exactly the way it was planned. In the end it cost her job. HP would and the computer industry as a whole would not be where it is today if not for her achievements and noble qualities.

Colin Powell – Here is a man that carries himself with integrity, dignity, and grace, well the grace of a military man. I wish this man would run for president, I'd vote for him. He seems to be above partisan politics. He frequently cites his concern of safety for his family as his biggest reason for not running. I admire that. He put himself on the line during his call up to arms in front of the U.N. after 9/11. He admitted that the evidence that he submitted to the U.N. was probably a mistake. It's this kind of honesty and integrity that can't be bought. Politics aside he is true to himself. For this reason, I call this man my hero.

Oprah – Here is a woman that grew up in small town in Mississippi. She was exposed to racism, and the culture that is the south. (All of these proud white people that have too much pride and are too stupid to realize that the civil war has been over for over a 150 years. Stop being so ignorant, you'll only be left farther behind. Move on!)  She has made it on sheer determination and will with the grace of God, to the top of the heap, in the media world. A world has for so long been run by men, has built herself an empire, that as gained her an immense amount of wealth and prestige. We've all heard the stories that she is a little racist herself. Nevertheless she is someone that has worked very hard for what she has. I admire her courage and vision.

This list will be amended and updated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Catch my blog

 

Went to Team in Training Meeting last night

Las night I went to the Team in Training meeting. It was an informative “this is how we work” meeting. I liked what I heard, I signed up for it. I have the ability to recommit by Oct. 24. I never seriously thought about it. However edesana, she died of bone marrow cancer, which is a type of blood cancer. I had never thought about it, seriously. That was one of those things that I wanted to put out of my mind and drink away. This is going to be my way of dealing with this for me.

 

So that will give me enough time to find out what my legal wrangling will result in for my future. I’ve been trying very hard not to get worried about this whole thing it is hard. That is why I’m trying to get involved in these activities. 

Friday, August 17, 2007

Starting to get a little worried

I was off tomorrow. Decided to pick up due to the fact that it’s supposed to be a busy weekend, unfortunately I have this team in training thing that started tonight, and continues on Sat. morning. It’s at seven o’clock. I really want to go, hell I even seriously thought about calling into work. But I’m not going to be able to do that. I feel way too guilty doing that. That is letting the people I work with down. I really want to participate in this program however, I feel like, I may have bitten off more than I can chew with this commitment. I am having doubts about my ability to do this. What with my legal issues coming up on the horizon very quickly. My number one commitment is to my job, then to myself, then to whatever else that needs my attention. I’m going to have to e-mail these concerns to my “mentor” (aka sponsor). :)

 

When I first got to Austin which was the very first weekend that I got out I had started to go to AA meetings I went for pretty much three weeks straight. Almost, I didn’t go the fourth of July. Except my dumb ass didn’t do one thing. Was record it, I didn’t think about it. I’ve never had to think about doing things like that. Now I’m going to have to put my nose to the grind stone and get my bankruptcy proceedings started. I’ve got an income started again. You know, this whole uncertainty hanging over my head is the worst feeling in the world. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m still going to be going to jail. I know I don’t have a choice in this matter, and the sentence is 0 to 5 years. Especially with the judge, the best route is to talk to my lawyer and find out. What it is I should do. But this is seriously causing me some distress tonight. Enough to not let me go to sleep, I’m going to have to go to an AA meeting about this and try and resolve this in that manner. I need to talk about this. This is driving me crazy.

 

Maybe I should call my sponsor; he may know what it is I should do. I’m going to have to work this out. Whatever it is I do, I have to take action. You know the hardest part of this whole ordeal is the fact that I lost my car. That is by far the worst part of this whole ordeal, oh and that little part about having to spend more time in jail. I know that the DA is going to want to settle this so that it doesn’t go to trail, as do I. I’m just concerned that it’s not going to be in my favor. I wonder if I have to spend time in jail if I am going to have to go directly from the court room or will I have an opportunity to wrap my affairs and come back and report to jail. Or is it a possibility that I can do weekend time. Man, this whole uncertainty is enough to keep someone up at night.

 

This is just something that I had to write about. Because, I was just thinking to myself, this is why I drank in the first place, to quite my mind so that I could go to sleep. Now I’m looking at some roughly 3 hours of sleep if I can not worry and get to sleep. This writing idea seems to work. Just have to write out what you are thinking about and it gives you a sense of relief. Or a way to unwind. Till next time.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Hurt calf training

Man I woke up this morning, after hitting the snooze button at least five times, rolled out of bed ready to do a good hard training session. Everything started out fine. I was trying to tighten up my form (makes me sound like I know what I’m doing), had a shorter water stop at the S. 1st st. water station. Was going good, it was a hard run ‘cause I couldn’t talk with out breathing hard. At about the fifty-five min. mark my right calf starts to give me problems. I stop to stretch it a little. That seemed to help, I continued, like, two minutes later the pain comes back with a vengeance! So I have to stop running and start to walk. I continue now at a slow jogging pace thinking that it will go away if I proceed slowly. It becomes so much worse. I ended up cutting a half mile out of my run due to this, and have to hobble home. It hurts. I think I may have gone at too fast of a pace. I did shave a full minute off of my mile pace from 9:51 to 8:51. I hope it feels better in two days. I’m going to have to go for a nice and easy run then.

 

The other day I was at REI, it was small and disappointing, I hadn’t been in the flagship one in downtown Seattle, I found my running shoes that I’m going to buy once I get through all of my dealings. They were swell, ASICS. I am going to go and try them on tomorrow and see how they feel.

 

I signed up to find out more about Team in Training, it’s the leukemia and lymphoma society. It’s a really neat organization. I’m really excited about this. It’ll give me an opportunity to meet other people doing the marathon here and maybe find a running buddy. Anyhow going to find out what they are about at the very least and what they offer. I’ll keep posted on this. I’m excited about this.

 

Since I’ve picked up running and started doing it on a regular basis, my attitude and mood has been noticeably better. This is just an observation.

 

I’m still getting a feel for this whole blogging thing. I’ve never been one for sharing my life, or talking about it with people. My thinking used to be that if you weren’t to share the experience with me then talking about it wasn’t the same so I didn’t bother. Which was a shitty and lonely way of looking at it, all it did was isolate myself from people that wanted to be apart of my life. But this is a necessary step that I need to learn and embrace. Learning organizing my thoughts into coherent strings and communicating them in a way that makes sense and isn’t totally a jumble, and most of all becoming comfortable with myself and accepting myself, Love thy self. It’s a slow process. Bear with me, it only gets better.

Alcoholism

What is going to happen in my life now? It’s been a month and a half since I’ve been released. What is it that I have done to better myself?

           

Well I’ve begun attending AA. I have had a problem with substance abuse for a few years. I stopped everything else and turned to alcohol, because I got tired of the way everything else made me feel. I was tired of being brain dead and watching infomercials in the early morning hours. I have wasted away a good four years of my life, doing various substances. My reasons were pretty straight forward. Self-pity, resentment, anger, and self-loathing, I had hated what I had done to my life. I thought life wasn’t fair, everybody else seemed to have it so easy and it seemed to work so well for them that I was resentful, that’s how the vicious cycle started.

I see now what I have done. Now it’s just a matter of working through the original issues that ‘cause me to start all this. Which was a sense of abandonment and a deep loss from the death of my mother that I never dealt with directly, I just seemed to run from it. At the time I didn’t know what I was doing, I was just reaching out for attention. Our family, in my eyes lost something a lot during that time.

I turned into a very angry child during that time. I think it was because I never dealt with the death and loss. One month after my mother died my father moved to Texas. Leaving me and my sister in L.A. with my grandmother, I felt like he ran away instead of dealing with the problems. It was a very trying time for all of us. I have moved on, I have learned to deal with it in my own way. I am growing. This is a slow process. It’s so easy and fast to totally mess up your life. I moved to Seattle to run away from my immediate problems. Everything will catch up to you at some point. I’ve in turn made it more difficult on myself. I am growing and learning that life is not what you want it to be. It’s what you make of it and get from it. It’s a bunch of experiences strung together. There is no grand plan. That is the hardest thing for me to change about my thinking. I had this grand plan in my head on how things would be for me. Nope. They are completely different from what I had pictured. I’m ok with that. I know where I want to be. Not sure how to get there but it will show itself when the time comes. There is a plan for me. I will become a better person. I will not become a loser. I am better than that. I will taste success. (I just hope I know it when the time comes)

I have a friend that is in Chile now, teaching English. She is an inspiration. That’s exactly what I want to do except in china or in Europe. That is my ambition, it is to travel and meet people, see places, to experience some culture. I don’t want to be an ignorant asshole! Experiencing new things is the only way to ease the ignorance. I am just trying to find my place in this wonderful life.

 

Goals:

  1. Find and work on the spiritual part of me
    1. Volunteer
    2. Learn to forgive and move on
  2. Finish a full marathon (currently training for)
  3. Start school for a business degree
  4. Start learning Chinese
  5. Become financially stable
  6. Keep a journal

 

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Unpacked and moved in

The place that I am renting is a two bedroom/two bath. The way it works is that you only lease the room. The apartment office tries to match you with a roommate. I’m getting a roommate soon. The maintenance guy came by today and was doing some work on the other room. I can’t say that I’m thrilled about this idea. This is however a much healthier situation than my previous one. I enjoyed living on my own. I’ve gotten my boxes unpacked today. Which is a relief because it was a sizeable stack, my apartment is starting to feel like home. It’s something I haven’t felt for almost six months now.

Picked up my running again, I had stopped since I moved from Seattle. However doing it here in Austin has been a pretty good challenge. It’s hot! I do love to run in the rain though, it reminds me of Seattle. I’ve decided to tackle the AT&T Austin Marathon that’s going on next year. Its four days after my birthday. 2-17-2008 I need to be able to commit to a goal. This goal has been influenced by my sister. I see here doing her races and it inspires me to get in shape and to do it myself. It will be a challenge.

Something I’ve committed myself to is keeping a journal. It is an awesome way for me to express my frustrations. It’s a way to keep myself honest and hold myself accountable. This is something that I have been sorely lacking for the last couple of years. Honesty; It’s pretty sad. It is something that I now recognize and am going to remedy. One of the causes of this has been that I’ve been spiritually bankrupt for quite sometime now. What I mean by this is there is this hole inside of me that I’ve been trying to subdue with the wrong things. I didn’t even know what it was. Since I couldn’t fill it and didn’t know why, I become bitter and extremely selfish as a result. My view on life has become skewed. For many years now I’ve tried to quell this by taking substances to numb it, which is extremely self destructive. This kind of thinking, and action that comes with it, come to find out is symptomatic of an alcoholic. This is probably the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to admit to myself and to tell/explain to my family. That I am an alcoholic.