My date is looming. There is this grey cloud hanging over my head. This cloud of uncertainty, I hate this feeling of not knowing what is going to happen. So much is at stake for me. I’m putting my life back together. However it seems that it is for nothing. Because in a few weeks it could all come to a crashing end, then it’s time for prison, jail. This is no way to live.
In the last couple of weeks I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that the judicial system is not for reforming or keeping people honest, it’s just for punishment. It’s up to the individual to get himself out of it. I really wonder if the system and the victims ever think about how much is actually inflicted upon an individual when they go to jail/prison. You are punished in so many ways. It leaves all of your obligations hanging, which punishes you, financially. Let alone the fines that you have to pay.
I almost feel that there is just no point in continuing, in fighting for this. This pile of shit seems so insurmountable. Yes, I know I caused it myself, I have no one else to blame but myself. How does one deal with this? Because once I get out of jail, pay my dues to society. Then what? Coming out, in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but the clothes on my back, and whatever money is in my account. If any will be there when I get done, I’m going to have to put my stuff in storage, and I don’t even know for how long. This is no way to live a life. My lawyer is no help. She just quotes me the book. Doesn’t tell me what has happened in the past. God, I don’t want to be a dead beat. But this is the path I see for myself. I’m not a loser, but shit… I can’t explain this. I feel my drive is slowly slipping away due to all of this uncertainty.
1 comment:
You said it yourself.....
You've just got to have faith.
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