Disturbing Dream

Last night i had a dream that really disturbed me. I shot myself in the head somewhere in the neighborhood of six times. I remember clearly looking at the gun, chambering a round and pulling the trigger. Fully expecting to die as a result of the injury, it just kept going on. I even did it once with a two rounds of an AK-47. I know, it’s weird. I wonder what it means.

Trying to setup for future opportunities

It’s 2 in the morning and I'm sitting here browsing facebook pages of friends and wondering when am i going to taste a bit of success. The saying is that good things come to those who wait. Success is a slow process and needs to be nurtured. Patience is a virtue, right? Why is it i can’t see it sometimes. I desperately try to seperate monetary success with personal success, but it is so hard at times. I feel this pressure when I talk to people to be able to say that I have accomplished something. My life feels very short on accomplishments.

I will continue to improve myself and as a result my life. I hope to be able to buy a B&B in a couple of years. We’ll see if that’ll happen. I’m crossing my fingers though.

Random thoughts and feelings…

Till next time.

A Little Moody today

Took a nap for an hour and a half, and i wake up more tired than when i went to asleep. I’m feeling i’m in a down right foul mood. Not sure why, but here is what set me off:

I wake up to step in some cold pasta salad on the floor, that my room mate has left for me as a surprise. Who is eating my food, the food that i buy and contribute to.

Who is always seems to be going out, whether to friends houses or to dallas to visit her girlfriend just not working very much.

Who is it seems a month behind on rent on a regular basis.

Then there is my girlfriend that is feeding the dogs my human food, so as to entice one of them to eat, because he is a stupid little shit and can’t realize that he needs to eat to survive! I don’t understand this stupid, he’s not literally stupid, dog, i could really do with out one of them, he is just so high maintenance!

He will generally only eat if you are playing with him. Even though i have put him on a schedule. He is under weight. I’ve really given up on him, in the way that i put food down for him if he doesn’t eat it’s bad on him.

See this shit, i’m really in a foul mood. I’m just looking for things to complain about, i just needed to get this out in writing so that i won’t think about it.

Cleaning out my box

I had a box, it was my procrastination box. This is the place that I placed all of the items that I didn’t want to deal with at any given time. In the last week I bought myself a shredder. Most of the items in this box have just met the shredder. Over the last two days I have been using the shredder to empty out the items that I find unimportant. I had things in there from over ten years ago! It felt really good to do this. It was like a spring cleaning of sorts. It was truly a way to get rid of some of the overhanging baggage that I was carrying around with me. From location to location. It was also a way to prioritize a lot of delinquent issues that I have let pile up over the years. My list if pretty fucking big, let me tell ya. There were some pretty painful things in there, that I had been holding onto for a long time now.

Edesapa had sent me the file on me a couple of weeks ago and I was looking at it and saw the pain that I had caused him over the years. It’s really sobering in a way.  But I’ve already  covered this in past posts.

I have really let my hole get kinda big. I have stopped digging it deeper, I have been assessing just how deep it has gotten. Now, I have to start climbing out of it.

Things are starting to look a little brighter for me these days. It feels good to be able to get my life in order, slowly but surely. In one word, to describe how I feel today, it is patience.

Quadruple Bypass Surgery

Lately I've been a little full of myself, self-righteous is a probably a better word. I've become almost holier than thou. No, i haven't necessarily found religion, however my words and actions would say otherwise. I've become a little over bearing in my views and will towards K. I really noticed it last night. I know that if i keep it up i will be left to be alone. It's not a pleasant thought.

I've also thought about why i don't remember things that happen throughout the day, i believe it is because i numb myself to the world around me. Maybe it's because i am unhappy in the life that i am leading. At least professionally, I don't look forward to the fact that i have four or five years of serious schooling to go till i get a degree and a huge cloud of uncertainty to along with it. It's the little things that happen to us during the day that helps to have conversations with people. Perhaps it's because i have not conversed normally with people in a meaningful fashion in such a long time, maybe ever. I'm learning for the first time being twenty-nine. I suppose better late then never, eh? It might be because my only really experience is with my father and whenever i talk to him, and just talk, he takes everything so seriously.

Speaking of my father, the man has had quadruple bypass surgery, and i've spoken to him once since. It hurts a little, that he doesn't even think that i care enough to know how he's doing, how he feels, hence as i said before, there's this huge divide in conversation. I am really concerned for him. I wish he would see it, both Z and I are! The party that upsets me the most about the situation is that if we hadn't called him (abet three weeks after the surgery) we would have never known. I wonder what would've happened if he wouldn't have made it through, if he would have... .. died. Would Anna have called to let us know? Would I have found out from the lawyer that is handling his estate? I wish i could say with any amount of confidence that his wife would've informed us, though she is a horribly bitter and spiteful woman. It just upsets me to think about it. So i'm not going to say anymore.

Till next time.

My trouble with staying in touch

You know i came off of a high early last year. About the time I ran my marathon, i was on a high of feel good emotions that life was going to get better for me. Which don't get me wrong has in a lot of ways, however in a conscience effort i succeeded at totally isolating myself from people that care about me. I rationalize it as a form of  self-flagellation. Punishment for what i have done. In the process i think that i executed it wrongly. Because i *again* hurt the people that wanted me back in they're lives. The ones who reached out to me, and i took for granted. Now, I know i have lost  some, probably never to speak to them again. For that i am sorry, not really regretful, just sorry. Some i don't want to lose at all. Some, i'm not sure about. It may be for the better, I don't know what kind of work to put into relationships. Especially friends. The amount of work, and the closeness that comes along with it, is just sometimes too much. It causes me anxiety to pick up the phone after not having talked to someone for an extended period of time and try to converse with them, for some unknown reason. It's like i think of all the negative things, i don't know what it is, exactly about it. It doesn't make sense. But when i want to call them i think of all the things that we don't have in common, forgetting that we have a lot in common still. Even if we are living our own lives.  Succeeding on our own.

Maybe it's the disappointment i feel for the people i've let down over the last couple of years. For failing as a son, for failing as a brother, for failing to become a productive member of society. Why is it so hard for me to do this, to do the work, and stay a part of people's lives. It was easy, when they were always around. I was extremely close to these guys. I spent a lot of time with them, a lot of time, for about four or five solid years.

I've been slacking on this process of keeping my mind healthy and it's starting to take it's toll. I see myself definitely going back down the same road that i came down. I've been driving down this road with blinders on, thinking that if i just mind my own business that i can't hurt anyone or myself.  Anyhoo.... this is me hanging myself out there. Till next time, i won't stay away nearly as long next time.

Babying Dogs

It's been a while since I wrote. I've been neglecting myself a little by not writing for so long. It's starting to finally catch up with me and I need an outlet now.

Not sure why, but when someone baby's dogs, it always seems to get to me. I can't explain why. This happened when I lived with my roommate in Dallas, when he would coddle his little dog it would just eat at me. Now that I'm going to be around little dogs a lot, this is something I have to face, and deal with now. I can't think for the life of me what is wrong with me. However the issue as I said before is that when you coddle/baby dogs, it really bugs me, it eats at me. I start to think irrationally, and it kinda bothers me. I shouldn't think like this, however I get this overwhelming urge to yell, "Stop it, there just dogs!!" It's a very powerful feeling, and it just eats away at me. Yes, it is completely irrational. I have to ask myself, am just a selfish unloving jerk? Am I jealous? What is it...

Am I incapable of loving? Tomorrow I am going to have to go to a meeting and try and talk about it. Because it is completely irrational, I don't like it. It just doesn't make any sense. I wish I could see a therapist. Cause I don't have anyone to talk to about this, at least I don't think I do.

I think this also keeps me from bonding with the dogs as well. I know that they can totally sense my negative energy, however it seems that the dog, specifically as a puppy. I think I'm just frustrated that I don't have the same bond with them that she does. That the my actions don't have the same result. Even though I think I am doing the exact same thing. Not sure as to what I could do differently. I want them to be happy to see me when I come home. This is why I wanted a cat a few years ago. Because it drove me crazy not to have an animal show the affection that it would show it's owners. I haven't thought about this in quite a few years. These feelings have been dormant since I moved and removed myself from pet ownership. However living with a pets again, has drawn out these feelings in me. Maybe I'm a little impatient and want them to react how I want them to react...

The whole house training thing seems to not bother me as much as the lack of affection toward me. Maybe I just need to distract myself from them. Because this is ultimately the same issue that I ran into with Randy's dog's, I started to get attached however they are ultimately not mine. And that makes a huge difference in the attitude of myself and of the dogs. Our ideas on how to raise dogs differ from one another. This is something that I know will just grow and grow it's like a festering sore. Am I being totally inflexible? I'm not totally sure. I guess I have to talk about it and see.

Commitment without fear

The new year bears down on us, yet again, it's a vicious cycle isn't it, I'm excited and look forward to what it may bring. I hope you do as well. It's once again time for those "New Year's Resolutions, as cliche as it sounds, this is a good time of the year to review the goals of the past year. Whether they were met or not. Maybe refine them a little and refocus for this year.

It isn't a fresh start, but as in everything attitude is everything. In a week most people will be back to doing what they had been doing before. I don't want to get too deep with this one. I've been psycho analyzing everything this past year, looking for a reason, excuse, trying to find some reason for why things have turned out the way they did. When it was staring back at me in the mirror. I broke that fucking mirror. Just kidding. It's time for me to commit my goals to paper, and try to keep them realistic. Once I do that they'll be up here. This is my way of keep things real for myself.

You can't have commitment without fear, because that's what keeps us going, no? Some great man in history, once said, 'you have nothing to fear. but fear itself.' The name escapes me. Fear is what drives us, not comfort. It's the fear of losing our comfort, compliancy. You can do it in two ways, you can face your fear, and ultimately guide it, or you can sit and have it shove you into changing, and that never does any good. Hellooo, Christian right. Whatever I do in the end, I know everything is going to be ok.

Commitment without fear, not going to happen. Carpe diem, or at least try to learn some algebra through osmosis, it worked the last time I was in school....

HAPPY NEW YEAR, yous guys!