You know i came off of a high early last year. About the time I ran my marathon, i was on a high of feel good emotions that life was going to get better for me. Which don't get me wrong has in a lot of ways, however in a conscience effort i succeeded at totally isolating myself from people that care about me. I rationalize it as a form of self-flagellation. Punishment for what i have done. In the process i think that i executed it wrongly. Because i *again* hurt the people that wanted me back in they're lives. The ones who reached out to me, and i took for granted. Now, I know i have lost some, probably never to speak to them again. For that i am sorry, not really regretful, just sorry. Some i don't want to lose at all. Some, i'm not sure about. It may be for the better, I don't know what kind of work to put into relationships. Especially friends. The amount of work, and the closeness that comes along with it, is just sometimes too much. It causes me anxiety to pick up the phone after not having talked to someone for an extended period of time and try to converse with them, for some unknown reason. It's like i think of all the negative things, i don't know what it is, exactly about it. It doesn't make sense. But when i want to call them i think of all the things that we don't have in common, forgetting that we have a lot in common still. Even if we are living our own lives. Succeeding on our own.
Maybe it's the disappointment i feel for the people i've let down over the last couple of years. For failing as a son, for failing as a brother, for failing to become a productive member of society. Why is it so hard for me to do this, to do the work, and stay a part of people's lives. It was easy, when they were always around. I was extremely close to these guys. I spent a lot of time with them, a lot of time, for about four or five solid years.
I've been slacking on this process of keeping my mind healthy and it's starting to take it's toll. I see myself definitely going back down the same road that i came down. I've been driving down this road with blinders on, thinking that if i just mind my own business that i can't hurt anyone or myself. Anyhoo.... this is me hanging myself out there. Till next time, i won't stay away nearly as long next time.
