Commitment without fear

The new year bears down on us, yet again, it's a vicious cycle isn't it, I'm excited and look forward to what it may bring. I hope you do as well. It's once again time for those "New Year's Resolutions, as cliche as it sounds, this is a good time of the year to review the goals of the past year. Whether they were met or not. Maybe refine them a little and refocus for this year.

It isn't a fresh start, but as in everything attitude is everything. In a week most people will be back to doing what they had been doing before. I don't want to get too deep with this one. I've been psycho analyzing everything this past year, looking for a reason, excuse, trying to find some reason for why things have turned out the way they did. When it was staring back at me in the mirror. I broke that fucking mirror. Just kidding. It's time for me to commit my goals to paper, and try to keep them realistic. Once I do that they'll be up here. This is my way of keep things real for myself.

You can't have commitment without fear, because that's what keeps us going, no? Some great man in history, once said, 'you have nothing to fear. but fear itself.' The name escapes me. Fear is what drives us, not comfort. It's the fear of losing our comfort, compliancy. You can do it in two ways, you can face your fear, and ultimately guide it, or you can sit and have it shove you into changing, and that never does any good. Hellooo, Christian right. Whatever I do in the end, I know everything is going to be ok.

Commitment without fear, not going to happen. Carpe diem, or at least try to learn some algebra through osmosis, it worked the last time I was in school....

HAPPY NEW YEAR, yous guys!

Try not to dwell

Looking at these college catalogs, and trying to decide on what major that I want to pursue is a lot more challenging than I expected it to be. I'm trying to pick something that will complement the time and money that I spent on my diving education. That hasn't been so easy. I've been looking at schools in Houston, so that I don't have to deal with out of state tuition - it's a killer, it is after all a city built on oil wealth. It's also been tough trying to narrow all that down. On one hand I really do enjoy government and political science, however I'm not exactly sure how I would be able to make a living at it. I did look up, "How to make a living with a political science degree", the one that really stuck out at me was being a civil servant. I wonder how truly feasible that is for me given my record and past transgressions. I am also looking at some kind of an engineering degree, but I'm not sure how strong at math I am anymore. It's been many years since I've attempted any kind of serious math problems. I'll probably find out when I go to take my college entrance exam. Also looking at something in the healthcare field. Maybe health care administration or perhaps health care information administration. Maybe a safety management degree, or is it certification? Not sure, I'm standing at a cross roads here. Regardless, I'm going to start school in January, I've never been more sure of something. Other than moving to Seattle. :)

This is some tired and true advice, don't dwell on the things that you cannot change. It's taken me a while to finally get to the point where I feel confident and comfortable doing this. It has been a long and arduous road, but for the first time in my life I feel that I can do this thing we call life, with a clearer head. It has been a tough couple of years, I've harbored a lot of negativity and resentment, I have wallowed in a lot of self destructive behavior and really handicapped my potential in succeeding in life. So I have a late start, and it's comforting to know that I am able to still play ball.

One less thing to worry about

I went to jail again, I was arrested on the Monday that my father went back home after thanksgiving. It was really a bummer, I really hate that place, however the good news is that I have nothing else to atone for, and can finally move forward. It has come at a high price. I have been a real big knuckle head over the years. I have neglected much. Myself being number one offense, as the saying goes, if you cannot take care of yourself how will you take care of anyone else. I have proven fairly painfully that I was unable, or rather unwilling to take care of myself. I can make excuses and reasons for why, as legitimate as they may be, they don't excuse anything. So I have taken and totally fubar'd a good thing -- my life.

As I head into the new year I feel really confident about it. I see things for me going nowhere but up. I can't possibly get any lower. I'm in a good place. I have God looking over me and giving me the strength to move forward, because he can see that there is some good left in me yet. I feel that good things are going to start happening. I have to look at it this way because this has been the worst year of my life. It has been the perfect storm for my personal life, so tumultuous.  I believe that I'm in a really good place, and am moving forward accordingly. It's time to use my fucking brain. It's time to use some sense, and stop living off my impulsive side. Time to get stable, I am waay too old for this lack of stability that I have. It is a vicious fucking cycle that, I want out of, that I will get out of! I tasted success, now I'm am going to get it at all cost. What this new chapter in my life will bring, who knows, however the journey will so be worth it. I am for the first time in my life looking forward to what is to come, I am looking at life through my eyes, and not trying to live some else's life. My atonement to my past transgressions is almost complete, I think. All the major items are taken care now, it's just a matter of paying off my debts and taking care of my financial obligations, which I feel good about. Well at least I should say that I feel the strength and resolve to complete this task is in me. I know I'm not alone. I never was alone, I only diluted myself into thinking that, so that I could feel sorry for myself, which after many years, has not caused me anything but pain, which is what I was trying to get away from to begin with.

Instead of dealing with the grief and the pain to begin with, I tried to drown it out, which is the text book example of an abuser. Which sadly to say I am, I do have a problem with substances. It is something that I will never be able to control, I've been in denial of that for a while too, thinking that it was a temporary ailment. Something that time would cure or lessen the symptoms. I have again been diluting myself into thinking this, trying to change what cannot be changed, focusing on the wrong goal. Instead of accepting things for what they are, and dealing with them accordingly. Whenever I think about doing any kind of a substance, I can feel my mind starting that dangerous thinking, I think that if I could do it I can control it, it won't effect my job or anything around me. Which is a huge red flag for me. Because of the feeling that I get, it will be a very disquieting course of action. It is a feeling that I cannot translate into words, right now. I am not proficient enough with my vocabulary to do it justice. However I feel it important that I do try and put this feeling or thought process into words, if anything for myself. Because it is a very sick and disturbing. It makes me sad to an extent, but things are what they are for a reason, some things cannot be changed. It is a door inside of me that I will never open again. It causes me more pain than it helps, it causes the people who love me pain, which is unacceptable and selfish. It is a very selfish sickness. It is something that I am totally ok with now. It is a no longer a struggle that is the center of my life. I am now going to focus on the my strengths.

I am going to start school in January, I am really excited about this, I mailed off my residency form today, and am researching what my major is going to be in. And where I want to go to college at. I have to confess, had it not been for my sister helping me with I would be completely up shit creek without a paddle. I completely underestimated the complexity of this process. I knew the information was out there, but I was dangerously  heading down the path of being careless and irresponsible. All that does is get me up a creek without a paddle. Anyhow, so this is what I hope to accomplish over the Christmas weekend. Narrow down my major and have a path toward my future when I talk the counselor at the school. I had no idea that you had to have this before hand. Stupid me. Thank you sis. couldn't've done it without you. I'm soo excited that, wait till I post my new year's resolutions. that should be interesting on it's own.

Here's to a new chapter. Wish me luck and send me your prayers, 'cause if my past is any indication of what my future will hold. I'm going to need all the guidance and help that I can get. But confidence, strength, and resolve cannot be underestimated either. Up and up....

Thanksgiving with the family

I'm really excited about this weekend. It's turkey day, and I'm going to have Thanksgiving with my family, for the first time in at least seven years. I'm not going to lie, thanksgiving has lost it's meaning to me over the last couple of years. However I will do tradition for the sake of a great memory.

Old friends

I love my friends. They are a great set of guys. We're just not in the same place anymore. My priorities have changed. My life has changed! I don't blame them, but it was the activities that I partook with them, that has gotten me to where I am. I would not be the person that I am today had I not experienced those times. As much as I want to reminisce about the old days and get lost in the wonderful memories. I'm not going to lie, I had some really great times. One of my favorite was a rave called Meltdown 2 where I saw Aphrodite and DJ Irene in the same show, back to back, with Carl Cox, Charles Feelgood. We all even got an extra hour at this thing because of the switching to daylight standard time. It the first time that I had the textbook experience on X. It was so awesome! I will never forget it. I also can't forget why I moved to Seattle in the first place, it was because I wasn't happy with where my life was headed. I was tired of going in circles. I honestly thought moving to Seattle was going to change that. Don't get me wrong it was a step in the right direction, I knew what I didn't want, I just didn't know exactly what I did want. Now I have a much better idea, but I would not be where I am had I stayed in Dallas.

So with that being said i truely believe that i will have to confornt this part of my past, because that was what i lacked by moving in the first place. i was trying to run from my problems instead of facing them. I have so far stemmed the bleeding, now i just have to help the wound heal. These friends where the type that i couldn't say no to. I'm afraid, without proof, that i won't be able to. They all do a lot of the same things. I've seen first hand what pot will do for you. Not a damn fucking thing! With it's help I have blown many opportunities. One of my biggest ones was joining the navy. That was by far one of my greatest personal disappointments. It was something that I truly wanted, something that i was prepared to give myself to fully. It was an opportunity to better myself, and i totally blew it by the fact that i couldn't stop smoking pot. That started a downward spiral for me that was pretty bad. It culminated with my first arrest in WA, then LA. It's sad. I guess in a sense i blame these friends for all of this. Which is something that i know is not fair. Because it's not they're fault, it is mine, and mine alone. I guess in a sense i blame them because after the whole navy thing and as things started to spiral downward, they're way of helping me forget, about it was to literally forget about it. This continued for many months it culminated into my falling out with Randy.

I am writing them all a personal letter. Some house cleaning on my part.

Myths about metabolism

Dr Toni Steer
Dr Susan Jebb

There's a common belief that people who are overweight have a slow metabolism (burn energy slowly), while thin people have a fast metabolism (burn energy quickly). This is a myth.

In this article

Can I speed up my metabolism?

How can I burn calories?

The term 'metabolic rate' refers to the energy (calories) you expend over a day just keeping your body functioning - your heart beating and your lungs breathing, for example. This is often called the basal or resting metabolic rate.

Scientists have measured the exact amount of calories overweight and healthy weight people burn while sitting or lying quietly. This was done by measuring the amount of oxygen breathed in and the amount of carbon dioxide breathed out.

Results from these studies have consistently shown that overweight people use more energy to keep their bodies working. This is because they have larger bodies with bigger muscles and internal organs.

However, after taking into account differences in body size, lean and obese people have been shown to have similar metabolic rates.

Basal metabolic rate can be influenced by body composition. Muscle requires more energy to function than fat. As we get older, we tend to gain fat and lose muscle. This explains why basal metabolic rate tends to decrease with age.

Similarly, two people of the same age and weight may have different metabolic rates if one is fitter (and has more muscle) than the other.

Of course, we also use energy to move around during the day. Basal metabolic rate and the energy required for physical activity make up our total energy expenditure, or total energy needs. Your total energy needs depend very much on how active you are.

But I eat very little

Often, overweight people believe they eat very little and still put on weight, hence the 'slow metabolism' theory, but research has shown people tend to eat more than they think.

When asked to write down everything they've consumed in a day, people tend to report eating far less than they actually do. This may be to impress the researcher or because they genuinely forget to include some items.

On the day they recorded their intake, they may even have chosen lower calorie foods than they'd normally eat.

The bottom line is you'll gain weight if you consume more calories than your body needs. This can be a difficult fact to face, but recognising the need for change is vital for successful weight loss.

The good news is people not only manage to lose weight but are able to keep control of it in the long term.

Can I speed up my metabolism?

There are many pills, supplements and foods that claim to speed up the metabolism and burn fat. Most of these claims are unproven.

Some chemicals, such as nicotine and caffeine, do have a small effect. However, any increase in the metabolism may be accompanied by an increase in the heart rate and other side-effects, and so aren't recommended as a treatment for obesity.

The fact is no single ingredient will melt body fat away without some effort on your part to reduce the amount of calories you eat.

How can I burn calories?

The best way to burn calories is to increase your levels of physical activity. The amount you'll burn depends on your body size, age and gender, but as a rough guide:

• 60 minutes of gardening burns 300 kcals
• 60 minutes of walking burns 200 kcals
• 90 minutes of football burns 600 kcals
• 45 minutes of dancing burns 450 kcals

In the long run, improving your body composition (increasing muscle and decreasing fat) by being more physically active will lead to small but important increases in your basal metabolic rate.

This article was published in June 2007.

5 Reasons You're Not Losing Weight

Adapted from The TNT Diet, the revolutionary guide to transforming your body — and your life.

---

By Jeff Volek, PH.D., R.D., & Adam Campbell, M.S., C.S.C.S., Men's Health

Find More

• Transform Your Body
• 10 Ways to Stick To Your Workout
• 20 Reasons to Lose 20 Pounds

Still struggling to lose weight? Here are five mistakes that many people make — and advice to help you shed pounds.

1. You're Following Bad Advice

Sometimes the government goofs. In late 1970s, the United States began advocating a high-carbohydrate, low-fat diet. In the early 1970s, the average daily energy intake was 2,450 calories. By the year 2000, that number had risen to 2,618. Almost all of those extra calories came from carbohydrates, according to the Nutrition Examination Surveys (NHANES).

Do this: Eat fewer carbs. People are overeating carbohydrates, not protein and fat. So if you want to lose fat, start by cutting back on carbs. Ask nutritionists what the main purpose of carbohydrates is and they'll say, "Energy." Trouble is, most people are consuming more energy than they can burn.

2. You Eat Fat-Free Foods

Warning: Low-fat foods may make you fat. Cornell University researchers reported that when overweight men and women were told they were eating low-fat M&Ms, they consumed 47 percent more calories than those who were given regular M&Ms (the M&Ms were actually all the same). On average, low-fat foods contain 59 percent less fat, but only 15 percent fewer calories than full-fat products.

Do this: Go ahead and eat full-fat foods — for instance, cheese, sour cream, and a nice, marbled steak. They have slightly more calories than their lower-fat counterparts, but they'll help you feel full longer after you eat. And that'll reduce the number of calories you eat at your meal. In our lab at the University of Connecticut, we've found that people who eat 60 percent of their calories from fat lose weight faster than those who eat just 20 percent of their calories from fat.

Moreover, many of your concerns about saturated fat may be overstated.

3. You (Still) Don't Eat Breakfast

Sure, you've heard this one before. But it's important: Researchers at the University of Massachusetts found that people who don't eat breakfast are nearly five times more likely to be obese than those who make it an everyday habit. That's because if you sleep for 6 to 8 hours, and then skip breakfast, your body is running on fumes by the time you get to work. And that sends you desperately seeking sugar, which happens to be easy to find.

Do this: Eat your first meal within 90 minutes of waking. The UMass scientists determined that people who waited longer increased the likelihood that they'd become heavyweights by 147 percent; those that didn't eat breakfast within 3 hours of waking elevated their risk by 173 percent.

4. You're Eating Too Much Sugar

You've stopped drinking regular soda? Great, but your diet is probably still filled with the sweet stuff. Check the label of your breakfast cereal. Some products marketed as healthy are packed with sugar. Case in point: Kellogg's Smart Start Health Heart cereal contains more sugar per serving — 17 grams — than a serving of Froot Loops. The problem: Sugar raises your blood levels of insulin, a hormone that signals your body to stop burning — and start storing fat.

Do this: Carefully read labels — especially when it comes to cereal. Or even better, trade your morning bowl for an omelet. Saint Louis University scientists found that people who have eggs as part of their breakfast eat fewer calories the rest of the day than those who ate bagels instead. Even though both breakfasts contained the same number of calories, the egg eaters consumed 264 fewer calories for the entire day.

5. You Don't Lift Weights

In a study at the University of Connecticut, we put overweight men on a 1,500-calorie-a-day diet, and divided them into three groups — one that didn't exercise, another that performed aerobic exercise 3 days a week, and a third that did both aerobic exercise and weight training. Each group lost almost the same amount of weight — about 21 pounds. But the lifters shed 5 more pounds of fat than those who didn't pump iron. Why? Their weight loss was almost pure fat, while the other two groups lost just 15 pounds of lard, along with several pounds of muscle.

Do this: Make three total-body weight training sessions a week a non-negotiable part of your weight loss plan. A study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that lost muscle is replaced by fat over time. This not only makes you look flabby, but it also increases your pants size — even if you somehow manage to keep your scale-weight the same. The reason: Each pound of fat takes up 18 percent more space on your body than each pound of muscle.

Damn these feet!

God has given me flat feet, it is not a curse. It has it's uses. However it makes the line of work, waiting tables (food service/hospitality), that I am in very trying on my feet. Especially as I get older I start to notice that I don't bounce back from the soreness. I need to "pamper" if you will, my feet when I get home. An ice bath, and now I'm going to try a heat pack. if I don't have the right pair of shoes.

And damn it finding a good pair of shoes and/or inserts that can take the rigors of my line of work, is one of the toughest challenges. I've already blown around $150. I have to mention that I walk on concrete all day or the equivalent of it. Which is the worst part of the whole deal! Argh, damn these feet!

So I need cushioning with arch support. But right now I'll take something that will not aggravate my abnormally swollen right foot. It's disgusting! I am going to try and solve this the best that I can by going to my doctor and seeing what she may say. I think it's infected. My blister that is, and it's spreading which is starting to worry me a little. I may be overreacting. It's the butt that I am really starting to get a little worried about it.

On a much lighter note, I met someone that was really interesting tonight! This person spoke Hungarian! I couldn't believe my ears, really! I didn't even hear her when she did it. It was one of the absolute coolest things that's happened to me in a long time! I should really stop using the exclamation point before it loses it's meaning. However it's hard to contain my excitement, I haven't spoken Hungarian with a complete stranger since I was a wee lad! She's someone I work with, she just started like the last two weeks. It was a truly awesome experience. I was actually at a loss for words. No, really I was, I couldn't think of anything to say in Hungarian, the language is slowly draining out of me. Plus we both sounded like American kids speaking for the first time. It really was cool. If she is interested in practicing it, that would be so awesome. I'm keeping my reservations though.

Personal Growth

The last couple of months have been a pretty topsy turvy kind of ride for me. Emotionally, spiritually and physically; I have grown none the less. I have learned a lot about myself and the people close to me. I have been sorting through years and years of emotional turmoil. Years of self medicating seems not to have accomplished for me. Now I have to do the hard work and try and make right side up about this mess, that I call my life.

 

I went to my first meeting with my probation officer today. It went fairly well. It was more or less an interview, it caught me off guard, because the questions where very personal and things I had only recently been asking myself. It served to reminded again what has been happening for the last eight months or so. She asked me a question, that for the life of me right now I cannot remember for the life of me what she had asked me. But it was something that was about my childhood and it should’ve been an easy answer however I didn’t have one for it. It’s frustrating me right now why I didn’t try harder to commit the question to memory. Anyhow, she had asked me a lot of questions about my childhood. The questions that I’ve only started to face after having them gnaw at me for so many years. A lot of it was unsettled grief about my mother’s death. It has been quite a few years, however the self medicating route didn’t work out so well. It felt good to voice some of these things feelings out loud and get some reaffirmation that I’m not over reacting and doing this for the wrong reasons, or being too sensitive about it.

 

Since I’ve been free and getting back on my feet, I have been experiencing many new things for me. I feel like I’m seeing things fairly clearly now. There is no longer any kind of a chemical haze. It’s been kinda rough. I haven’t really had any urge to drink. I have had an urge to smoke. I did indulge that, when I did it was a huge mistake. Not only did it taste like utter shit, but it really made me want to drink. Since the two really go hand in hand. But I didn’t cave, I remind myself that I’m trying to run a marathon and if I do either one then it’s not going to happen if I do that. My family didn’t go out on a limb to help me up jus tto see me fall flat on my face again. That is a sure way to end up on skid row with very little to no self respect left. It is also a guaranteed way to have everyone that I care about and in turn cares about me to drop me out of their lives. I couldn’t handle that. I have more ambition and higher goals than that. I would rather walk out into traffic than have that happen again.

 

Seattle, you’ve been getting after to write in here and I thank you, because I have to keep doing. And that’s what it takes sometimes for me. A little nudge. I’m really happy about where things have been going with her. We do such a good job on teasing the crap out of each other that it really sucks. all the build up and no release. It is a little frustrating. I find myself longing to be with her more and more and the distance isn’t as bad as I thought it might be. Don’t get me wrong it is challenging. However it is making me pay attention to her words and not just her physically. The things I want to do to her physically are so numerous. I do just want to ravage and just completely and utterly submit and have her submit to the pleasure of the flesh. We have some cool things that we share. Like expensive phone bills.

 

The words sweet and cute are an issue with me because they are comfort words and tend to insinuate a sense of security that ultimately means ‘just friends’, it also tends to nonverbally convey the following sentiment as well, ‘that’s all that’s ever going to happen between us’. It has a way of taking any kind of a bite out of my masculinity.

 

My relationship with my family in the last couple of months has improved dramatically! This is something that I have longed for many years now. Back when I lived in grapevine. I tried to get into the navy to have a sense of belonging. While improving myself, when I failed at that, I really let the depression set in. I felt that I failed at anything I wanted to do, that I was an utter failure, I couldn’t do anything useful. So I resigned myself to smoking pot and drinking, quitting my job and pretty much embraced the fact that I was a loser that couldn’t succeed. Because I hated where my life was going, what I was doing, and I felt completely helpless in changing it. It was very frustrating! So soon after that I got my job at the hotel in grapevine and that’s when I had a manager kind of unofficially become my mentor. He rewarded me appropriately. I could’ve been a manager of the restaurant there had I been able to remove myself from my self-destructive environment. It was an eye opener for me because I wanted so to make something of myself. So I moved to Seattle, to remove myself from the environment that I was in, and couldn’t get out of without some help, I did start to finally make something of myself. Now, I’ve just got to get my act together again and hopefully next year I’ll be able to taste that success again. I’m not any of those things; I’m not a loser, deadbeat, junkie, or anything else like that. I’m also not an alcoholic, I just can’t handle drinking. It’s one of those things that triggers something in my head that I don’t understand nor want to deal with anymore. It is a part of me that just isn’t very good. It’s a part of me, that doesn’t need to come out. Nothing ever good happens with him. I can be around alcohol or drinks I just can’t drink. As long as I don’t drink anything I’m ok. This is has become something that I have grudgingly accepted. (Edesapa was right) But I always thought that if I dry out for a while then I’ll be ok, no. I don’t believe I will. I have to stay away from it altogether in a social environment. The Christmas party is going to be the big test for me.

 

I’m just a guy that’s gotten a taste of success and had it yanked away and now I want it again. Usually one comes with the other. Both personally and professionally! I just need to stay on top of my affairs.

 

Keeping a journal has helped me in ways I never thought possible with this. It’s helped me to work through my thoughts and put a lot of things into perspective. I wish I would’ve done this years ago. Then I don’t believe that all of this would’ve happened. That’s a little too simplistic. Yes, this meeting I had today, invoked most of these feeling in me today, cause most of them where questions that she asked, and ones I hadn’t thought about in a while. But is another facet of me that I need to explore, because I am not leaving anything out anymore. I am going to live life, I want that sweet taste of success again.

 

Baby, thank you, for pushing me on this one, I really do feel much better.

 

Great classical and Hungarian broadcast Bartok Radio.

Ignorant idiots spouting racial insults

I’m coming out of Starbucks, after spending some time in there reading and enjoying a nice cup of joe before my run tonight. I start to head out to the bus stop and notice this ‘older’ guy, slightly balding. Sitting Indian style on the ground with a worn leather football in between his legs; he tries to beg for some money from another guy sitting on the bench. The guy on the bench pretty much tells him no. Well, it continues back and forth for a while. The guy on the bench is not letting it go, and the older guy, who now notice has most of his front teeth missing and is slurring his words together, is definitely not letting up. Something about alcohol inhibiting your better judgment, this continues back and forth to the point where voices are starting to rise and people are starting to look. Then the older guy utters like the ultimate racial epithet that a white guy can, ‘nigger’. You probably guessed it, the dude on the bench is black, and there are several of them around waiting on they’re various buses to come. This guy is so intoxicated that, he didn’t realize what he had just said, when the situation really started to get tense.

 

For reasons I can’t fully understand, I was so close to standing up and telling this guy off for saying what he did. It wasn’t just the word, but of course the context and his tone that really made this a potential powder keg.  This guy got me riled up about it as well, I was so close to just telling him what an ignorant and sad pathetic man, and it’s people like him along with Mr. Falwell, that unnecessarily poke and prod sensitive social areas. Instead of working on educating yourself, they are bitter and angry at people, and apparently over skin color. I wish I could make an excuse for this guy, about him being baited and drawn into this argument, but it was shameful to watch and witness.

 

I was really fuming about this all the way home. I cannot really understand why, but this guy really pissed me off. I hate, no, absolutely abhor intolerance. Especially when it’s based on something as superficial as skin color! And it’s people like him that keep perpetuating hate unnecessarily because they are bitter and want someone else to blame for they’re short comings. Since you really can’t blame an inanimate object for it, so… that’s enough for my soap box for the evening. Off to my run.

Misinterpreted workplace passion

Dear Christine,

“I am a 25-year-old dental hygienist. I have a great career with an excellent salary. I love what I do but I can't say that I'm 'passionate' about it. In fact, there is nothing that I do in life that I am passionate about. I don't have any activity or subject that excites me beyond a few weeks. Just because I have no passion, does that mean I have no purpose in life? How do I reach my inner passion?" -Purposeless, 25, Chicago

• Email
• Print
• Comment

Dear Purposeless,

You are having trouble finding your "inner passion" because you are focusing on the buzzword: passion. This word gets a lot of airtime as the most popular career advice is "find your passion and you will be happy and successful." News flash: most people, whether in their 20s 30s or later in life, don't jump out of bed and run to work everyday. Sometimes, a job is just a job. True, some people really do love what they do for a living, but if you don't feel passionate about it that doesn't mean you have no purpose.

You said that you love what you do and are paid well, why isn't that good enough? It sounds to me like you are simply looking for a little more joy in your life which you can create without changing jobs or having a Eureka! moment of self-discovery. Become passionate about exploring the things that make you joyful - perhaps spending time with friends, doing something artistic, cooking, being outside, and so on. You say you do not have a single activity that interests you more than a week, but consider your expectations of an activity may be too high. Can you enjoy the simple things in life? Being passionate about something comes more from HOW you do things rather than WHAT you are actually doing. Or perhaps your passion is exploration and you are someone who will always try new things. What's wrong with that?

Your life purpose is not determined by the person who signs your paycheck. Your purpose in life is to learn lessons about yourself and your life - smell, taste, touch, see, feel and experience. If you are looking for life's purpose in a career, what do you think life is really about? If it was supposed to be about work, why are we born with the ability to fall in love, laugh, dance, travel, have families, connect with friends, celebrate holidays and birthdays?

Stop looking for your life's purpose in what you do. You absolutely have a purpose in life - and that is to live it! -Christine

 

Putting together my family tree

I have for a couple of year now been rather curious about my family. Where my family comes from, what kind of history is there. Maybe I have a duke in there somewhere, related to some famous person, maybe not so famous but a smart. So regardless I have curiosity about my background, where ever it leads. I’d like to know.  

 

Ever have on of those damn conversations where your talking a lot of smack and unwisely you keep carrying on and you know you should stop, then the person you are talking to decides to call you out. Then you might or might not stutter, looking for a response. I shouldn’t have stuttered, I feel that my mind was so far into the gutter, that, that… a hell I froze up. Damn, now I think back on it, it’s been keeping me up, I should’ve just said it, what harm would it have caused. Anyhow, what’s done is done, I just should’ve had the balls to say it.

 

Till next time

Talked it over

Seattle and I talked a few days ago and we had gotten some things straightened out. I expressed my feeling and she as well. I am very with the outcome. In the end I was convinced that this is something that I want to flesh out and see what the end is like, whether for good or bad.

 

Last week I went to gold’s gym in downtown and inquired about a membership. I have to say I am excited with what I was told. Really I’m excited to have access to all the equipment and other privileges that come with a membership. I have a goal of 180 lbs. and I am roughly ten away from it. However, it is going to be a hard ten. I have a book to help me along, to understand how to eat properly for a running, training regimen. I know it sounds and looks silly that I am reading a book that is called “the runner’s diet” however; this is something that I am serious about. Since I cannot afford a nutritionist to help me out, why not get a generic one and use my intelligence to work out a diet for myself. I say this only cause I have gotten quite a few sarcastic comments and some eye rolling because of this.

 

That’s all for today more coming later this week

Passion

I’m inspired to write tonight by this question and answer. This was a piece of wisdom actually common sense. It is very important to find what it is that motivates you. That drives you to do what it is that you do. If your not thrilled about going to work and don’t always wake up with a pep in your step. You cannot forget that it is just a job. It doesn’t mean that you have lost your passion. Now passion is not what you do, but how you do it, and maybe a why.

 

What is my passion, well my passion has evolved over the years, it is to live life and that means to experience things and to challenge myself with while I am experiencing these things. For instance I am going to run this marathon and with this challenge I have set about living a healthy lifestyle. I think I’m going to finally be able to lose my gut, and at least get the body that I want once in my life. How long I keep, now that is a different story. I have a passion for music, and culture. I love culture. I think ignorance would be greatly reduced if people exposed themselves to a little bit of culture. Travel is the best way to experience this. However there is a lot to do in a city that you live in. it is a community after all. Take advantage of it. It would be very selfish and stupid to believe that there is no one else out there that doesn’t have the same interest as you. I am currently learning this and experimenting. Until next time…

Wants and haves

Another one of those wonderful restless nights, it’s almost one in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I was really tired earlier too. I just ‘pushed’ myself to watch a bit of a movie then I just got carried away, and ended up watching more than I intended to. Monty Python and the Holy Grail, an absolute riot! Yea I know I could call Seattle. however, I never been one to lay myself out like that. It’s also nice to have the benefit of thinking about it and the ever useful ‘backspace’ key, after you realize that it sounded better in your head than it did out in the open, especially when the thoughts haven’t been exactly fleshed out. So to begin, the reason that I am restless tonight is this thing Seattle and I have. Well, what is it exactly. I find myself asking that question, I have enjoy a feeling of affection and infatuation, to name just the ones that pop in my head. However what is it that this is, why is it what it is? Is it a relationship that is kept simmering indefinitely? Is it a failed relationship, in that it had the potential to be so much more however lacked the necessary ingredients at the time to grow? Which I know the answer to be. However having the room that it has now, does it become better? Are one of the parties or both latching onto something ideal, since we have both been jaded by what is generally available? I know there are a lot of questions in this; however these are just a few of the things that have been crossing my mind as of late. Perhaps I am disillusioning myself into the thoughts of what I want this to be, maybe she would be perfect, however there is no way to test that or know for sure given the circumstances at the present. It’s longing for something that… What is it?

 

I have a friend at the least. And something else that would’ve been fleshed out had I stayed in Seattle, for better or worse. Being 2500 miles away really does make it suck! The advent of technology has helped us to stay in contact in ways I would’ve never really executed or thought of before, albeit it is still a device and not a warm body. I another reason that I bring this up is because, I was out at a festival this weekend when I met someone. It’s really not anything; however this is a big reason for my restlessness and the aforementioned questions. In some strange way I felt a little guilty or conflicted, now that I see it in writing, it seems a little irrational and silly(not silly, it’s used for a lack of a better word) thoughts grandeur that I want to think. I want a consenting more than friends personal relationship between adults, while not facing what it really is, which is a ‘pen pal’ that I really want to be with intimately and to get to know better, however due to circumstances it is not possible.

 

Dang my head hurts from this. Either way, sleep is coming…

A nice day off

Today’s been a pretty uneventful day. I’ve been reading my book on the Chinese influence on the cold war. I should’ve gone to work out today, however I felt just a bit lazy and decided against it. However tomorrow, it’s going to be a good workout day. It’s going to be my Monday workout.  Not much to write about today.

Back in the groove. Well, almost...

Man, does it feel good to be working out again. I’m getting back into the swing of things pretty well. Still can’t really get into a full stride on the treadmill. The pain is getting to be less and less. I really want to get back into running around Town lake (aka: Lady Bird Lake). It was the time that I got to get out and enjoy the outdoors. However I am getting some weight training in, I’m working on getting some muscle definition. I keep this up for another couple of weeks and I’ll have it. I’ve finally dropped below 190 lbs. I’m at 189. I’ve been wondering about what my weight is for a while now. At work today I got in on a bet that stated who would lose the most weight in 20 days. Winner gets $180, 2^nd $90, 3^rd $50. I don’t think I’ll win, however it’s going to motivate me to get to my target weight of 177 to 180. Which is what my BMI figures I should be at.

Just some pics of me

Needed a pic so that I could like one to my profile.

Blue Steel!!

Pimpin!

First going bald!

What happens to Potter and crew after Deathly Hallows?

Spoiler alert, the following discuss and reveal important plot lines in the series. Don’t read if you don’t want to know.

 

I have just concluded reading the Harry Potter books, years 1 thru 7, I do have to say it was an amazing story to read. I will someday reread them. It was a well written and engaging story, of good and evil, loyalty, friendship, and morality. These are some answers to what happens after the story concludes and some questions answered about the last book, Deathly Hallows.

Your ''Hallows'' questions, answered!

Still stumped after finishing ''Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows''? We tackle some nagging queries

RE-CURSED Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort

 

 

By Adam B. Vary

SPOILER ALERT! The following article contains plot details about book 7. Read at your own risk.

How did Godric Gryffindor's sword get into the Sorting Hat after Griphook the goblin took it? —Amy
The same way it got from Dumbledore's office into Harry's hand in book 2 —because Neville Longbottom is a true (and brave) Gryffindor.

Why was Draco the rightful owner of the Elder Wand? How did that work against Voldemort? —Nick
Deep breath: When Draco disarmed Dumbledore at the end of book 6, the Elder Wand — won by the headmaster when he dueled Grindelwald — passed its allegiance to young Malfoy, not to Snape, whose ''murder'' of Dumbledore was prearranged and therefore not a defeat. Then Harry won Draco's wand at Malfoy Manor. So when Voldemort tried to kill Harry with the Elder Wand and Harry countered using Draco's wand, the two wands effectively canceled each other out. The Elder Wand realized it was attacking Draco's wand, refused to act against its master, and rebounded the Killing Curse back onto Voldemort. The Dark Lord never had a chance.

Who was the ugly baby crying in King's Cross that Dumbledore said couldn't be helped? —Andrea
The dead portion of Voldemort's soul that had been a part of Harry.

Why wasn't Kreacher freed when Harry gave him Regulus' locket? —Jenny
A locket isn't clothing.

Students at the new Hogwarts had to prove their blood status to attend. So how did Muggle-born Colin Creevey manage to stay? —Maddie
He didn't. Colin likely returned for the battle along with other members of Dumbledore's Army (alerted by their enchanted Galleons).

Voldemort's kin, the Gaunts, had kept the Resurrection Stone; Harry's ancestors held the Invisibility Cloak. Since those items' original owners were brothers, are Voldemort and Harry related? —Sara
Perhaps, but there's been so much intermarrying among wizard families that we suspect nearly everyone with magical blood is related to some degree.

Harry and Ginny's kids are all named after figures from their past. So what's the significance of Ron and Hermione's kids' names, Rose and Hugo? —Jen
Beats us. Because they have the same first letters as their parents' monikers? Or Rowling just liked the names? Or she's a serious Lost fan?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Editor's Note: This Associated Press story contains spoilers. If you'd rather not know what happens in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," stop reading now.

LONDON, England (AP) -- Just because J.K. Rowling has stopped writing about Harry Potter and his friends and foes doesn't mean she has stopped thinking about them.

"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling thought of the idea on a train trip in 1990.

more photos »

She told fans Monday what she thinks happened to many of the book's characters after the final installment.

In a 90-minute live Web chat, she fielded some of the approximately 120,000 questions submitted by devotees. It was her first public comment since "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" -- the last book in the series -- debuted on July 21.

Rowling said she was elated to share with fans the secrets she'd been harboring since she conjured up the idea for the boy wizard during a train journey across England in 1990.

"It is great to be able to do this at last," she said. "I've looked forward to it for so long!"

"Deathly Hallows" sold over 10 million copies in its first weekend. All seven books in the blockbuster series have sold a combined 335 million copies worldwide. Gallery: Fans wait for the big moment of release »

In the novel -- which centers on Harry's journey to kill Lord Voldemort, the most powerful dark wizard of all time -- the young wizard learns of three powerful magical objects called the Deathly Hallows that, when combined, will make their owner the Master of Death, meaning he or she accepts mortality without fear.

Don't Miss

• Fans turning the pages of final 'Potter'

Rowling said in the online chat the hallows were in part inspired by "The Pardoner's Tale," one of Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales" about greed and death.

Rowling shared with fans, many of whom said they'd read the final book several times in the last week, where she imagines their favorite characters went after the series' conclusion.

SPOILER ALERT: Those who do not wish to know what happens to the characters after the book ends should stop reading here.

Rowling said the world was a sunnier, happier place after the seventh book and the death of Voldemort.

Harry Potter, who always voiced a desire to become an Auror, or someone who fights dark wizards, was named head of the Auror Department under the new wizarding government headed by his friend and ally, Kingsley Shacklebolt.

His wife, Ginny Weasley, stuck with her athletic career, playing for the Holyhead Harpies, the all-female Quidditch team. Eventually, Ginny left the team to raise their three children -- James, Albus and Lily -- while writing as the senior Quidditch correspondent for the wizarding newspaper, the Daily Prophet.

Harry's best friend Ron Weasley joined his brother, George, as a partner at their successful joke shop, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Hermione Granger, Ron's wife and the third person of the series' dark wizard fighting trio, furthered the rights of subjugated creatures, such as house elves, in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures before joining the magical law enforcement squad. The couple had two children -- Rose and Hugo.

Luna Lovegood, Harry's airily distracted friend with a love for imaginary animals who joins the fight against Voldemort in the Order of the Phoenix, becomes a famous wizarding naturalist who eventually marries the grandson of Newt Scamander, author of "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them."

And what Muggle, or non-wizard, song would have been played at the funeral of Albus Dumbledore, the most brilliant and talented wizard the world had ever known?

"Surely 'I Did It My Way' by Frank Sinatra," Rowling told her fans, referring to the song "My Way," written by Paul Anka but popularized by Sinatra, among other singers.

As the chat wrapped up, Rowling thanked readers for their loyalty to the series.

"What can I say? Thank you so much for sticking with me, and with Harry, for so long. You have made this an incredible journey for Harry's author." E-mail to a friend

 

Neglecting TNT

I feel really bad about neglecting the team in training marathon group that I signed up for. It’s been bugging me, I just hate feeling useless. After all it was because of my knee that I couldn’t do any running. But my confession is that I haven’t given it a second thought since I signed up for it. I feel pretty shitty about this. But I have taken some steps in trying to remedy this situation. So we’ll have to see what happens.

 

Also I’ve heard from a friend that I haven’t heard from in awhile. Even replied, we had a pretty shitty falling out about a year and half ago, and now I find myself not feeling nearly as bitter and resentful about it as I thought I would. Actually, it was good to hear from him. Well, till next time.

Things turned out good

I got back from lousiana yesterday, after sleeping only about five hours in two days, happy. I deserve what the punishment that I received. I did a horrible thing and made a stupid decision. So I have to say that things have turned out favorably for me. Now it is a matter of getting an opportunity to start over, which sucks on it’s own, but it’s better than spending time in jail.

 

I am going to have a really challenging couple of months ahead me. On a good note, I finally got my lamp from my sister, WOO-HOO!! I can now read in bed and not have to get out of it to when I’m ready to fall asleep. This is really exciting for me.

Can't Sleep

Man, it’s 1:20 in the morning, and I have to be up at 5. I just can’t sleep. My mind is just being absolutely restless. All kinds of things swirling around inside there. I have thoughts as to if I have been a big asshole to my sister. Not enough income, I’m probably going to have to get a second job. Especially with the holidays coming up here, I should be able to find something part time. I just need to find out what my court obligations will be like. Really most of it is financial, I really do regret greatly what I gave up. It was such a promising opportunity. Now, I feel so lost, and helpless. I would’ve been making well in the sixty range. That would’ve been enough to pay all my debts up and brought me completely current. All within twenty-four months. Now I have to reevaluate my position and really, put my ass in gear. I have student loans. Fuck! Such a big pile. This week I’m going to look at exactly what kind of damage I have done and at least to see what it will take for me to get out of it. We’ll see, this is my chance to start over. I have little else going for me at the moment. For better or worse, I got to make the best of this situation; my future just looks really murky. That really is a disconcerting feeling. It’s going to get harder before it gets easier. I know this. It would just be nice for it to be over with already, and to that next point. Praying seems to help a bit. Still trying to get a grasp on this idea. It’s probably going to be another couple of years before I get the ball rolling for myself in a decent direction. I’m going to run the Austin marathon. I really wanted to do it with Team in Training. Hope my right leg will up to running soon. It’s been a little over a month since I injured it. I am going to be heading down to the gym tomorrow to start working it out. I really want to get back into running, it was actually really enjoyable.

 

I’m not going to lie, I really need to just whine a good bit. This really is a poor me moment, that’s all this is. This is nothing to really be worried about, however, I just need to get a grip. That’s all this is. Anyhow, it’s weird to have two serious entries in one day. If I can’t go to sleep maybe I’ll post again. The time is now 1:52

Some great youtube videos!!

These are some of my favorites off of youtube.

Reminiscing about past

While I was down in Franklin, I had passed by a lot of places that just it brought all these emotions back. A lot of it was sadness, regret, disappointment, with fair amount determination, to taste success again. I mean, I’m not a complete failure; I’ve just had a set back. Time of reflection and doubts are plaguing me. I write this on my way home from Louisiana. Most of my life I’ve been concerned about what others have thought of me. Worried about whether people around me will accept me. This has been one of my deepest insecurities and struggles for most of my life; I’m not going to pretend to know why. This is one of those things that I will have to take on ‘faith’. Aka: it just is. This is something that I am slowly getting over. It’s as I realize that people actually like me for me. I have for so long, and, still find myself from time to time trying to live to others expectations. This of course can cause a fair amount of unnecessary stress. Back a couple of months ago when I signed up for my marathon group, that I haven’t been attending due to my knee, I realized that when people asked what I did, I never answered. Ashamed, embarrassment, that’s what I felt. This is an ongoing internal struggle for me. It really breaks down like this. I am embarrassed about being a in a serving position, waiting on people, again, doesn’t bring any kind of fulfillment for me. I have to keep reminding myself as to why I am doing this. I am very happy it isn’t a completely dead end job. I am working at a major hotel with lots of opportunities for lateral movement when the time comes.

 

I’m a little resentful about all of the lost opportunities, actually a better word is squandered, that I’ve let slip through my fingers. I think that it really comes down to o the resentment that I harbor. However letting go of them is difficult. This whole thing for me is really not a living the past, I have to live day to day. Or else I risk falling back into the cycle that has got me to where I am now. As my father says don’t on those failed opportunities, but learn why they failed. Armed with that knowledge do your best to better prepare yourself for those future opportunities, right? I have to make a list of things that I am going to have to improve in myself. Because I have found that I do really have a desire to be a diver or should I say, work in the offshore industry,

 

There is a lot of substance abuse in those workers. But I do have complete confidence in myself, in that I won’t do those things again. I understand now that I was using those items as a crutch to hide and not deal with my insecurities. Which through some personal reflection, and a swift kick in the ass, an unforeseen opportunity has been handed to me. A blessing. I have been on a self destructive path. And god has offered me an opportunity to get off this path by also giving me a first hand view of where I will end up, if I don’t open my eye and start to live. Let go the resentment that has been poisoning my mind. Time to be a success. Live day to day. The key here is to do. I’ve also got this thing were I always feel the need to explain myself. And that’s where this feeling of shame comes from. One of the most interesting and reassuring quotes I heard, it was from a psychologist, she had said, “we all have questionable thoughts and urges, but it’s whether we act upon them that defines us as crazy.” That was in some strange way really reassuring. I’ve been for years have thought something was wrong with me.

 

Yesterday during the official confirmation of my plea and punishment, as the judge was reading the definition of the crime, I felt my heart drop further into my stomach, as he read each sentence, which seemed to have no bottom. That was really the first time that I had heard what damage I had caused. I deserve what I got. I have to pay the piper now. I mean I can’t even begin to understand what I have put the victim through.

 

Now when it comes to my friend in Seattle, this really is a first for me. I find myself really caring about someone, even though there is a two thousand mile gap between us. She knows what is going on in my life; we have a lot in common. She is as strange as I, she’s also, seems to have a genuine interest in me. There is a mountain of pent sexual energy just seeping out ready to explode. I’ve never done like this before. There’s a lot of positive energy in my life right now. This relationship isn’t unhealthy from what I can see. I’m enjoying the hell out of it. It’s actually really awesome. I thought I would have a problem with her reading my Blog, it’s a little weird I’ll admit, but that is why I posted it, on the internet. More for accountability than anything else.

Trip to Franklin

I’d be lying if I said that my trip to Franklin has been uneventful. Since my whole reason for coming down here has been the reason for my stress for the last few months. Finally, I have a resolution to this horrible chapter in my life, and, I can finally start taking steps to put this behind me. I’m still getting the details right for plea. Now I can focus on becoming a productive person. To do my part, I’m just going to have to remind myself that it is one step at a time. All ways moving forward, and living life to the fullest that you can. I’m so glad that I don’t have to sit in jail again. This thought has caused me considerable anxiety over the last several weeks. Whether I would have to go back to that shit hole and serve more time. But again I have been granted a reprieve. I couldn’t have done this with out the support of my family, friends, and my higher power.

 

This whole experience has, yet again proven to me that there is a higher power. This is something I cannot deny any longer to myself. There has been a power present around me that has been guiding me through these tribulations for the last couple of months. I’ve found myself keeping a disbelieving attitude about the whole idea, which really is another way of saying, I’ve been in denial. This is something that I feel that I cannot continue to do any longer. I have been praying over the last couple of months, not as consistently as maybe I should, regardless, I’ve found that my prayers have been answered, maybe not in the way that I imagined that they would, but in they’re own way. Which is the way that it works, at least that’s how it’s been described to me and the way I imagine it to work. So it would seem, now the “ball is in my court”. I am going to nurture my spirituality and see what comes of it. I sound and feel like such an adolescent child.

 

Talking to my friend in Seattle today, and she said, I was one of the most intriguing people that she has ever met. Which is one the most interesting things that I think I’ve ever been called. I know it was a compliment, none the less it was one that I’ve never heard. I’m sure it was a nice way to say that I’m weird, or whatever word you want to use. (Quirky, unique, strange, unusual, etc.) :-) It was a very nice compliment though. I really wish I hadn’t moved away. Things would’ve really would’ve gotten interesting. I have no doubt about that. There is some serious mutual interest there, and she really does put an ear to ear grin on my face more often than not. It’s been a long time since some one has done that.

Ten rules for being Human

Source: http://www.bluinc.com/free/human10.htm

Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1.	You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2.	You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3.	There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4.	Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5.	Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6.	"There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7.	Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8.	What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9.	Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10.	You will forget all this.

 

Edesapa and Comments

This weekend was pretty awesome. Edesapa decided to come into town. We had a great time, however like all good things, the time that we had was too brief. We had some much needed family time. It was nice to spend time together and be a family again. I really needed it, we all did. Unfortunately he left this morning.

 

That bitch of a wife that he has, it’s not all her fault. He’s guilty in his own right, he is an enabler. He doesn’t do anything it almost seems that he completely resigns himself to whatever she wants. As long he is happy, I’m happy. It’s just one of those things I would love to try and understand, that I can’t. I tried to insinuate that he take more of a stand against her petty spiteful attitude. The sad part is that the only reason that he came here is now is because she is in Hungary visiting her daughter. She doesn’t have a very good relationship with her own daughter. I feel kind of sorry for her. She just wants attention, like sewing circles of times past.

 

            I may have procrastinated a little longer than I would have liked in “recruiting” friends and family to do a letter writing campaign for my legal defense. I asked a few friends and family to write a letter of character to the court, in hopes of avoiding more jail time. For a while my understanding on what the intention of jail is, happened to be a little construed. I understand now that I was being a little ideological, almost utopian. I was doing it, to possibly avoid facing the reality and give myself a little bit of hope. You see I was thinking that jail was somewhere that criminals where sent to learn to become a better person, to avoid falling into that vicious cycle. Because out of resentment and the feeling of abandonment you will be tempted to take the easy path which is to go back to the life of crime, honest work is after all hard. Anyhow, I see now that jail is not to help someone to become a better part of society but rather strictly punishment.  I think I was really just diluting myself with these ideal thoughts. Anyhow, my day of reckoning is coming. I hope my peeps come through. It’s now out of my hands and in Gods. This whole spiritual philosophy is really comforting. Now it’s just a matter of finding someone to share it with.

 

            On the positive side my knee is feeling loads better. It’s doing really good. It’s just when I stand on it for extended periods that it really gets angry with me. But the new shoes I bought two weeks ago for it, man are heaven on my feet. I really should’ve spent the money on good shoes a long time ago. And I now own a vacuum cleaner. Thanks to my awesome sis. Which is awesome, cause my carpet was starting to look pretty dirty. A friend that I have in seattle, is totally a little honey pot. We’ve been texting back and forth today and it was really fun. I wish she didn’t live 2500 miles away. It really sucks.

 

 

Frustration at clouded future

My date is looming. There is this grey cloud hanging over my head. This cloud of uncertainty, I hate this feeling of not knowing what is going to happen. So much is at stake for me. I’m putting my life back together. However it seems that it is for nothing. Because in a few weeks it could all come to a crashing end, then it’s time for prison, jail. This is no way to live.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that the judicial system is not for reforming or keeping people honest, it’s just for punishment. It’s up to the individual to get himself out of it. I really wonder if the system and the victims ever think about how much is actually inflicted upon an individual when they go to jail/prison. You are punished in so many ways. It leaves all of your obligations hanging, which punishes you, financially. Let alone the fines that you have to pay.

I almost feel that there is just no point in continuing, in fighting for this. This pile of shit seems so insurmountable. Yes, I know I caused it myself, I have no one else to blame but myself. How does one deal with this? Because once I get out of jail, pay my dues to society. Then what? Coming out, in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but the clothes on my back, and whatever money is in my account. If any will be there when I get done, I’m going to have to put my stuff in storage, and I don’t even know for how long. This is no way to live a life. My lawyer is no help. She just quotes me the book. Doesn’t tell me what has happened in the past. God, I don’t want to be a dead beat. But this is the path I see for myself. I’m not a loser, but shit… I can’t explain this. I feel my drive is slowly slipping away due to all of this uncertainty.

Addiction

"Parents were worried in the '60s about their kids being addicted to television; now they're worried about their kids being addicted to their computer screens," Miller says. "We don't need a new term in order to describe behavior that's been around for thousands of years -- the choices we make between pleasure and responsibility. We all have to struggle with putting aside things that are gratifying, but aren't satisfying over the long term."

 

Thoughts about impending court date(s)

As the time gets closer the worrying is eating away at my peace of mind. I know when I get to court I’m going to have to prove that I’m not some dead beat, revolving door alcoholic. Talking to my father tonight really clued me into a couple of things. I know no one is above the law, unless you have a lot of money, but sometimes things aren’t so black and white. There is a human, if you will, a grey side, to problems. That’s where a judge comes in. Actually the court is supposed to be the last step, because you couldn’t do it yourself. Unfortunately that’s where I fall into. Edesapa says, “it is making excuses”. I don’t buy that. Yeah, the cold hard facts of the matter are yea, but there are deeper underlying issues at play that someone may not understand. I am referring to any kind of an addiction, specifically. I can’t hide the horrific fact of what I did, nor do I have a desire to. However that doesn’t mean I am not remorseful at what I have done. I’m going to be working on a letter to the judge throwing myself at the mercy of the court. Hopeful he won’t send me back to that horrible place.  

 

For many years I was not happy with what I had become, and angry with myself for it. I thought if I shut out the world that it will get better. That is why I moved to Seattle because I wanted to become a better person, to see myself accomplish something. Yet here I am in Austin, with no car, nothing to show for myself, except the fact that I’m still alive and there are people that love me, more than I know, or ever will. I don’t want to go back to jail. I saw what it does to people. I don’t want to become a statistic. You know here is the peace in this crazy hare brain thought. I don’t control any of that. This is the thinking that I have to stop, otherwise I will go crazy. This is that alcoholic side of me. My fate is in God’s hands, I know he has something good set out for me.

 

I’ve just got to have faith.

 

These are the kind of thoughts that I get when I can’t do something productive. i.e. go run. It’s only been a week. I think it’s more doing something that makes you happy. Releases the endorphins naturally, that is what keeps the machinery happy. Keep you happy. Something that everyone needs to do on a regular basis, helps to keep those crazy thoughts to a minimum.

My hero(s)

I've been troubled by this for a while. I don't know why I am, but I am. You know they ask kids who is your hero. When was the last time that you asked yourself that question? I have been pondering this question for a couple of months now. I haven't been able to think of who my hero is. Hell I didn't even know where to start.

 

I first had to find out what the word meant. It felt like when you know how to use a word in a sentence, but when someone asks you, what does that word mean. You usually end up at a loss for words. (If you say it hasn't happened to you, you're just not being honest with yourself)

 

Main Entry: he·ro
Pronunciation: 'hir-(")O
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural heroes
Etymology: Latin heros, from Greek hErOs
1 a : a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability b : an illustrious warrior c : a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities d : one that shows great courage
2 a : the principal male character in a literary or dramatic work b : the central figure in an event, period, or movement
3 plural usually heros : SUBMARINE 2
4 : an object of extreme admiration and devotion : IDOL

Source: http://webster.com/dictionary/hero

 

After looking at this definition, I wondered what the new age internet dictionary, Wikipedia.org would say.

 

For other uses, see Hero (disambiguation).

"Heroine" redirects here. For the drug, see heroin.

Sir Galahad, a hero of Arthurian legend, detail of a painting by George Frederic Watts

From the Greek ἥρως (demi-god), in mythology and folklore, heroes were originally the offpsring of mortals and gods.^[1] Later, hero (male) and heroine (female) came to refer to characters that, in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self-sacrifice, that is, heroism, for some greater good, originally of martial courage or excellence but extended to more general moral excellence.

Stories of heroism may serve as moral examples, impressing a culture's ethical code, especially for the young.^{[citation needed]} In classical antiquity, hero cults, veneration of deified heroes such as Heracles, Perseus, or Achilles, played an important role in Ancient Greek religion. Later emperors employed hero worship for their own apotheosis, that is, cult of personality.

Source: http://webster.com/dictionary/illustrious

The Wiki definition seemed to spell it out for me a little better. It answered my question directly in the context that I was looking for. But if you look at both sources, they both say the same thing. One just says it without provoking a thought in me. (How's that for new age)

c : a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities d : one that shows great courage

I say this with a deep regret. Trying to find someone that fit this for me was a difficult task. Yea sure it would be easy to name a family member or prominent public figure, maybe a celebrity. The celebrity being the person you think you know, when in reality you only the persona that they portray, that makes them money. It is after all they're job to do this. It is us, the public, that wants more and more of this, fakeness, to be lied to. Then there are those prominent public figures that even the celebrities won't, at least the respectful ones, say a derogatory word about. There are very few of those people. The prominent public figures are the ones that seem the most real and human to me, the ones that seem to measure up to the word, hero. Here I am just listing the people, real people, that I have come up with, that in my eyes have the qualities of a hero, and my reasons. While still retaining they're humanity and vulnerability. People I admire, and, that help to inspire me to become a better person.

Carly Fiorina – One of the most successful women in business. She and one of my other heroes have a lot in common. She is a true leader. She came into an "all American" company that was on the decline and guided it through the rough seas. Through determination and persistence, she oversaw the merger with Compaq, and made it work. It was a tough and trying time for all involved. That is why there is supposed to be one leader of a company. She showed grace and poise when it came to her duties and stuck by her convictions when it didn't work out exactly the way it was planned. In the end it cost her job. HP would and the computer industry as a whole would not be where it is today if not for her achievements and noble qualities.

Colin Powell – Here is a man that carries himself with integrity, dignity, and grace, well the grace of a military man. I wish this man would run for president, I'd vote for him. He seems to be above partisan politics. He frequently cites his concern of safety for his family as his biggest reason for not running. I admire that. He put himself on the line during his call up to arms in front of the U.N. after 9/11. He admitted that the evidence that he submitted to the U.N. was probably a mistake. It's this kind of honesty and integrity that can't be bought. Politics aside he is true to himself. For this reason, I call this man my hero.

Oprah – Here is a woman that grew up in small town in Mississippi. She was exposed to racism, and the culture that is the south. (All of these proud white people that have too much pride and are too stupid to realize that the civil war has been over for over a 150 years. Stop being so ignorant, you'll only be left farther behind. Move on!)  She has made it on sheer determination and will with the grace of God, to the top of the heap, in the media world. A world has for so long been run by men, has built herself an empire, that as gained her an immense amount of wealth and prestige. We've all heard the stories that she is a little racist herself. Nevertheless she is someone that has worked very hard for what she has. I admire her courage and vision.

This list will be amended and updated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Catch my blog