Reminiscing about past

While I was down in Franklin, I had passed by a lot of places that just it brought all these emotions back. A lot of it was sadness, regret, disappointment, with fair amount determination, to taste success again. I mean, I’m not a complete failure; I’ve just had a set back. Time of reflection and doubts are plaguing me. I write this on my way home from Louisiana. Most of my life I’ve been concerned about what others have thought of me. Worried about whether people around me will accept me. This has been one of my deepest insecurities and struggles for most of my life; I’m not going to pretend to know why. This is one of those things that I will have to take on ‘faith’. Aka: it just is. This is something that I am slowly getting over. It’s as I realize that people actually like me for me. I have for so long, and, still find myself from time to time trying to live to others expectations. This of course can cause a fair amount of unnecessary stress. Back a couple of months ago when I signed up for my marathon group, that I haven’t been attending due to my knee, I realized that when people asked what I did, I never answered. Ashamed, embarrassment, that’s what I felt. This is an ongoing internal struggle for me. It really breaks down like this. I am embarrassed about being a in a serving position, waiting on people, again, doesn’t bring any kind of fulfillment for me. I have to keep reminding myself as to why I am doing this. I am very happy it isn’t a completely dead end job. I am working at a major hotel with lots of opportunities for lateral movement when the time comes.

 

I’m a little resentful about all of the lost opportunities, actually a better word is squandered, that I’ve let slip through my fingers. I think that it really comes down to o the resentment that I harbor. However letting go of them is difficult. This whole thing for me is really not a living the past, I have to live day to day. Or else I risk falling back into the cycle that has got me to where I am now. As my father says don’t on those failed opportunities, but learn why they failed. Armed with that knowledge do your best to better prepare yourself for those future opportunities, right? I have to make a list of things that I am going to have to improve in myself. Because I have found that I do really have a desire to be a diver or should I say, work in the offshore industry,

 

There is a lot of substance abuse in those workers. But I do have complete confidence in myself, in that I won’t do those things again. I understand now that I was using those items as a crutch to hide and not deal with my insecurities. Which through some personal reflection, and a swift kick in the ass, an unforeseen opportunity has been handed to me. A blessing. I have been on a self destructive path. And god has offered me an opportunity to get off this path by also giving me a first hand view of where I will end up, if I don’t open my eye and start to live. Let go the resentment that has been poisoning my mind. Time to be a success. Live day to day. The key here is to do. I’ve also got this thing were I always feel the need to explain myself. And that’s where this feeling of shame comes from. One of the most interesting and reassuring quotes I heard, it was from a psychologist, she had said, “we all have questionable thoughts and urges, but it’s whether we act upon them that defines us as crazy.” That was in some strange way really reassuring. I’ve been for years have thought something was wrong with me.

 

Yesterday during the official confirmation of my plea and punishment, as the judge was reading the definition of the crime, I felt my heart drop further into my stomach, as he read each sentence, which seemed to have no bottom. That was really the first time that I had heard what damage I had caused. I deserve what I got. I have to pay the piper now. I mean I can’t even begin to understand what I have put the victim through.

 

Now when it comes to my friend in Seattle, this really is a first for me. I find myself really caring about someone, even though there is a two thousand mile gap between us. She knows what is going on in my life; we have a lot in common. She is as strange as I, she’s also, seems to have a genuine interest in me. There is a mountain of pent sexual energy just seeping out ready to explode. I’ve never done like this before. There’s a lot of positive energy in my life right now. This relationship isn’t unhealthy from what I can see. I’m enjoying the hell out of it. It’s actually really awesome. I thought I would have a problem with her reading my Blog, it’s a little weird I’ll admit, but that is why I posted it, on the internet. More for accountability than anything else.