Commitment without fear

The new year bears down on us, yet again, it's a vicious cycle isn't it, I'm excited and look forward to what it may bring. I hope you do as well. It's once again time for those "New Year's Resolutions, as cliche as it sounds, this is a good time of the year to review the goals of the past year. Whether they were met or not. Maybe refine them a little and refocus for this year.

It isn't a fresh start, but as in everything attitude is everything. In a week most people will be back to doing what they had been doing before. I don't want to get too deep with this one. I've been psycho analyzing everything this past year, looking for a reason, excuse, trying to find some reason for why things have turned out the way they did. When it was staring back at me in the mirror. I broke that fucking mirror. Just kidding. It's time for me to commit my goals to paper, and try to keep them realistic. Once I do that they'll be up here. This is my way of keep things real for myself.

You can't have commitment without fear, because that's what keeps us going, no? Some great man in history, once said, 'you have nothing to fear. but fear itself.' The name escapes me. Fear is what drives us, not comfort. It's the fear of losing our comfort, compliancy. You can do it in two ways, you can face your fear, and ultimately guide it, or you can sit and have it shove you into changing, and that never does any good. Hellooo, Christian right. Whatever I do in the end, I know everything is going to be ok.

Commitment without fear, not going to happen. Carpe diem, or at least try to learn some algebra through osmosis, it worked the last time I was in school....

HAPPY NEW YEAR, yous guys!

Try not to dwell

Looking at these college catalogs, and trying to decide on what major that I want to pursue is a lot more challenging than I expected it to be. I'm trying to pick something that will complement the time and money that I spent on my diving education. That hasn't been so easy. I've been looking at schools in Houston, so that I don't have to deal with out of state tuition - it's a killer, it is after all a city built on oil wealth. It's also been tough trying to narrow all that down. On one hand I really do enjoy government and political science, however I'm not exactly sure how I would be able to make a living at it. I did look up, "How to make a living with a political science degree", the one that really stuck out at me was being a civil servant. I wonder how truly feasible that is for me given my record and past transgressions. I am also looking at some kind of an engineering degree, but I'm not sure how strong at math I am anymore. It's been many years since I've attempted any kind of serious math problems. I'll probably find out when I go to take my college entrance exam. Also looking at something in the healthcare field. Maybe health care administration or perhaps health care information administration. Maybe a safety management degree, or is it certification? Not sure, I'm standing at a cross roads here. Regardless, I'm going to start school in January, I've never been more sure of something. Other than moving to Seattle. :)

This is some tired and true advice, don't dwell on the things that you cannot change. It's taken me a while to finally get to the point where I feel confident and comfortable doing this. It has been a long and arduous road, but for the first time in my life I feel that I can do this thing we call life, with a clearer head. It has been a tough couple of years, I've harbored a lot of negativity and resentment, I have wallowed in a lot of self destructive behavior and really handicapped my potential in succeeding in life. So I have a late start, and it's comforting to know that I am able to still play ball.

One less thing to worry about

I went to jail again, I was arrested on the Monday that my father went back home after thanksgiving. It was really a bummer, I really hate that place, however the good news is that I have nothing else to atone for, and can finally move forward. It has come at a high price. I have been a real big knuckle head over the years. I have neglected much. Myself being number one offense, as the saying goes, if you cannot take care of yourself how will you take care of anyone else. I have proven fairly painfully that I was unable, or rather unwilling to take care of myself. I can make excuses and reasons for why, as legitimate as they may be, they don't excuse anything. So I have taken and totally fubar'd a good thing -- my life.

As I head into the new year I feel really confident about it. I see things for me going nowhere but up. I can't possibly get any lower. I'm in a good place. I have God looking over me and giving me the strength to move forward, because he can see that there is some good left in me yet. I feel that good things are going to start happening. I have to look at it this way because this has been the worst year of my life. It has been the perfect storm for my personal life, so tumultuous.  I believe that I'm in a really good place, and am moving forward accordingly. It's time to use my fucking brain. It's time to use some sense, and stop living off my impulsive side. Time to get stable, I am waay too old for this lack of stability that I have. It is a vicious fucking cycle that, I want out of, that I will get out of! I tasted success, now I'm am going to get it at all cost. What this new chapter in my life will bring, who knows, however the journey will so be worth it. I am for the first time in my life looking forward to what is to come, I am looking at life through my eyes, and not trying to live some else's life. My atonement to my past transgressions is almost complete, I think. All the major items are taken care now, it's just a matter of paying off my debts and taking care of my financial obligations, which I feel good about. Well at least I should say that I feel the strength and resolve to complete this task is in me. I know I'm not alone. I never was alone, I only diluted myself into thinking that, so that I could feel sorry for myself, which after many years, has not caused me anything but pain, which is what I was trying to get away from to begin with.

Instead of dealing with the grief and the pain to begin with, I tried to drown it out, which is the text book example of an abuser. Which sadly to say I am, I do have a problem with substances. It is something that I will never be able to control, I've been in denial of that for a while too, thinking that it was a temporary ailment. Something that time would cure or lessen the symptoms. I have again been diluting myself into thinking this, trying to change what cannot be changed, focusing on the wrong goal. Instead of accepting things for what they are, and dealing with them accordingly. Whenever I think about doing any kind of a substance, I can feel my mind starting that dangerous thinking, I think that if I could do it I can control it, it won't effect my job or anything around me. Which is a huge red flag for me. Because of the feeling that I get, it will be a very disquieting course of action. It is a feeling that I cannot translate into words, right now. I am not proficient enough with my vocabulary to do it justice. However I feel it important that I do try and put this feeling or thought process into words, if anything for myself. Because it is a very sick and disturbing. It makes me sad to an extent, but things are what they are for a reason, some things cannot be changed. It is a door inside of me that I will never open again. It causes me more pain than it helps, it causes the people who love me pain, which is unacceptable and selfish. It is a very selfish sickness. It is something that I am totally ok with now. It is a no longer a struggle that is the center of my life. I am now going to focus on the my strengths.

I am going to start school in January, I am really excited about this, I mailed off my residency form today, and am researching what my major is going to be in. And where I want to go to college at. I have to confess, had it not been for my sister helping me with I would be completely up shit creek without a paddle. I completely underestimated the complexity of this process. I knew the information was out there, but I was dangerously  heading down the path of being careless and irresponsible. All that does is get me up a creek without a paddle. Anyhow, so this is what I hope to accomplish over the Christmas weekend. Narrow down my major and have a path toward my future when I talk the counselor at the school. I had no idea that you had to have this before hand. Stupid me. Thank you sis. couldn't've done it without you. I'm soo excited that, wait till I post my new year's resolutions. that should be interesting on it's own.

Here's to a new chapter. Wish me luck and send me your prayers, 'cause if my past is any indication of what my future will hold. I'm going to need all the guidance and help that I can get. But confidence, strength, and resolve cannot be underestimated either. Up and up....

Thanksgiving with the family

I'm really excited about this weekend. It's turkey day, and I'm going to have Thanksgiving with my family, for the first time in at least seven years. I'm not going to lie, thanksgiving has lost it's meaning to me over the last couple of years. However I will do tradition for the sake of a great memory.