I went to jail again, I was arrested on the Monday that my father went back home after thanksgiving. It was really a bummer, I really hate that place, however the good news is that I have nothing else to atone for, and can finally move forward. It has come at a high price. I have been a real big knuckle head over the years. I have neglected much. Myself being number one offense, as the saying goes, if you cannot take care of yourself how will you take care of anyone else. I have proven fairly painfully that I was unable, or rather unwilling to take care of myself. I can make excuses and reasons for why, as legitimate as they may be, they don't excuse anything. So I have taken and totally fubar'd a good thing -- my life.
As I head into the new year I feel really confident about it. I see things for me going nowhere but up. I can't possibly get any lower. I'm in a good place. I have God looking over me and giving me the strength to move forward, because he can see that there is some good left in me yet. I feel that good things are going to start happening. I have to look at it this way because this has been the worst year of my life. It has been the perfect storm for my personal life, so tumultuous. I believe that I'm in a really good place, and am moving forward accordingly. It's time to use my fucking brain. It's time to use some sense, and stop living off my impulsive side. Time to get stable, I am waay too old for this lack of stability that I have. It is a vicious fucking cycle that, I want out of, that I will get out of! I tasted success, now I'm am going to get it at all cost. What this new chapter in my life will bring, who knows, however the journey will so be worth it. I am for the first time in my life looking forward to what is to come, I am looking at life through my eyes, and not trying to live some else's life. My atonement to my past transgressions is almost complete, I think. All the major items are taken care now, it's just a matter of paying off my debts and taking care of my financial obligations, which I feel good about. Well at least I should say that I feel the strength and resolve to complete this task is in me. I know I'm not alone. I never was alone, I only diluted myself into thinking that, so that I could feel sorry for myself, which after many years, has not caused me anything but pain, which is what I was trying to get away from to begin with.
Instead of dealing with the grief and the pain to begin with, I tried to drown it out, which is the text book example of an abuser. Which sadly to say I am, I do have a problem with substances. It is something that I will never be able to control, I've been in denial of that for a while too, thinking that it was a temporary ailment. Something that time would cure or lessen the symptoms. I have again been diluting myself into thinking this, trying to change what cannot be changed, focusing on the wrong goal. Instead of accepting things for what they are, and dealing with them accordingly. Whenever I think about doing any kind of a substance, I can feel my mind starting that dangerous thinking, I think that if I could do it I can control it, it won't effect my job or anything around me. Which is a huge red flag for me. Because of the feeling that I get, it will be a very disquieting course of action. It is a feeling that I cannot translate into words, right now. I am not proficient enough with my vocabulary to do it justice. However I feel it important that I do try and put this feeling or thought process into words, if anything for myself. Because it is a very sick and disturbing. It makes me sad to an extent, but things are what they are for a reason, some things cannot be changed. It is a door inside of me that I will never open again. It causes me more pain than it helps, it causes the people who love me pain, which is unacceptable and selfish. It is a very selfish sickness. It is something that I am totally ok with now. It is a no longer a struggle that is the center of my life. I am now going to focus on the my strengths.
I am going to start school in January, I am really excited about this, I mailed off my residency form today, and am researching what my major is going to be in. And where I want to go to college at. I have to confess, had it not been for my sister helping me with I would be completely up shit creek without a paddle. I completely underestimated the complexity of this process. I knew the information was out there, but I was dangerously heading down the path of being careless and irresponsible. All that does is get me up a creek without a paddle. Anyhow, so this is what I hope to accomplish over the Christmas weekend. Narrow down my major and have a path toward my future when I talk the counselor at the school. I had no idea that you had to have this before hand. Stupid me. Thank you sis. couldn't've done it without you. I'm soo excited that, wait till I post my new year's resolutions. that should be interesting on it's own.
Here's to a new chapter. Wish me luck and send me your prayers, 'cause if my past is any indication of what my future will hold. I'm going to need all the guidance and help that I can get. But confidence, strength, and resolve cannot be underestimated either. Up and up....
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