Personal Growth

The last couple of months have been a pretty topsy turvy kind of ride for me. Emotionally, spiritually and physically; I have grown none the less. I have learned a lot about myself and the people close to me. I have been sorting through years and years of emotional turmoil. Years of self medicating seems not to have accomplished for me. Now I have to do the hard work and try and make right side up about this mess, that I call my life.

 

I went to my first meeting with my probation officer today. It went fairly well. It was more or less an interview, it caught me off guard, because the questions where very personal and things I had only recently been asking myself. It served to reminded again what has been happening for the last eight months or so. She asked me a question, that for the life of me right now I cannot remember for the life of me what she had asked me. But it was something that was about my childhood and it should’ve been an easy answer however I didn’t have one for it. It’s frustrating me right now why I didn’t try harder to commit the question to memory. Anyhow, she had asked me a lot of questions about my childhood. The questions that I’ve only started to face after having them gnaw at me for so many years. A lot of it was unsettled grief about my mother’s death. It has been quite a few years, however the self medicating route didn’t work out so well. It felt good to voice some of these things feelings out loud and get some reaffirmation that I’m not over reacting and doing this for the wrong reasons, or being too sensitive about it.

 

Since I’ve been free and getting back on my feet, I have been experiencing many new things for me. I feel like I’m seeing things fairly clearly now. There is no longer any kind of a chemical haze. It’s been kinda rough. I haven’t really had any urge to drink. I have had an urge to smoke. I did indulge that, when I did it was a huge mistake. Not only did it taste like utter shit, but it really made me want to drink. Since the two really go hand in hand. But I didn’t cave, I remind myself that I’m trying to run a marathon and if I do either one then it’s not going to happen if I do that. My family didn’t go out on a limb to help me up jus tto see me fall flat on my face again. That is a sure way to end up on skid row with very little to no self respect left. It is also a guaranteed way to have everyone that I care about and in turn cares about me to drop me out of their lives. I couldn’t handle that. I have more ambition and higher goals than that. I would rather walk out into traffic than have that happen again.

 

Seattle, you’ve been getting after to write in here and I thank you, because I have to keep doing. And that’s what it takes sometimes for me. A little nudge. I’m really happy about where things have been going with her. We do such a good job on teasing the crap out of each other that it really sucks. all the build up and no release. It is a little frustrating. I find myself longing to be with her more and more and the distance isn’t as bad as I thought it might be. Don’t get me wrong it is challenging. However it is making me pay attention to her words and not just her physically. The things I want to do to her physically are so numerous. I do just want to ravage and just completely and utterly submit and have her submit to the pleasure of the flesh. We have some cool things that we share. Like expensive phone bills.

 

The words sweet and cute are an issue with me because they are comfort words and tend to insinuate a sense of security that ultimately means ‘just friends’, it also tends to nonverbally convey the following sentiment as well, ‘that’s all that’s ever going to happen between us’. It has a way of taking any kind of a bite out of my masculinity.

 

My relationship with my family in the last couple of months has improved dramatically! This is something that I have longed for many years now. Back when I lived in grapevine. I tried to get into the navy to have a sense of belonging. While improving myself, when I failed at that, I really let the depression set in. I felt that I failed at anything I wanted to do, that I was an utter failure, I couldn’t do anything useful. So I resigned myself to smoking pot and drinking, quitting my job and pretty much embraced the fact that I was a loser that couldn’t succeed. Because I hated where my life was going, what I was doing, and I felt completely helpless in changing it. It was very frustrating! So soon after that I got my job at the hotel in grapevine and that’s when I had a manager kind of unofficially become my mentor. He rewarded me appropriately. I could’ve been a manager of the restaurant there had I been able to remove myself from my self-destructive environment. It was an eye opener for me because I wanted so to make something of myself. So I moved to Seattle, to remove myself from the environment that I was in, and couldn’t get out of without some help, I did start to finally make something of myself. Now, I’ve just got to get my act together again and hopefully next year I’ll be able to taste that success again. I’m not any of those things; I’m not a loser, deadbeat, junkie, or anything else like that. I’m also not an alcoholic, I just can’t handle drinking. It’s one of those things that triggers something in my head that I don’t understand nor want to deal with anymore. It is a part of me that just isn’t very good. It’s a part of me, that doesn’t need to come out. Nothing ever good happens with him. I can be around alcohol or drinks I just can’t drink. As long as I don’t drink anything I’m ok. This is has become something that I have grudgingly accepted. (Edesapa was right) But I always thought that if I dry out for a while then I’ll be ok, no. I don’t believe I will. I have to stay away from it altogether in a social environment. The Christmas party is going to be the big test for me.

 

I’m just a guy that’s gotten a taste of success and had it yanked away and now I want it again. Usually one comes with the other. Both personally and professionally! I just need to stay on top of my affairs.

 

Keeping a journal has helped me in ways I never thought possible with this. It’s helped me to work through my thoughts and put a lot of things into perspective. I wish I would’ve done this years ago. Then I don’t believe that all of this would’ve happened. That’s a little too simplistic. Yes, this meeting I had today, invoked most of these feeling in me today, cause most of them where questions that she asked, and ones I hadn’t thought about in a while. But is another facet of me that I need to explore, because I am not leaving anything out anymore. I am going to live life, I want that sweet taste of success again.

 

Baby, thank you, for pushing me on this one, I really do feel much better.

 

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