Thoughts about impending court date(s)

As the time gets closer the worrying is eating away at my peace of mind. I know when I get to court I’m going to have to prove that I’m not some dead beat, revolving door alcoholic. Talking to my father tonight really clued me into a couple of things. I know no one is above the law, unless you have a lot of money, but sometimes things aren’t so black and white. There is a human, if you will, a grey side, to problems. That’s where a judge comes in. Actually the court is supposed to be the last step, because you couldn’t do it yourself. Unfortunately that’s where I fall into. Edesapa says, “it is making excuses”. I don’t buy that. Yeah, the cold hard facts of the matter are yea, but there are deeper underlying issues at play that someone may not understand. I am referring to any kind of an addiction, specifically. I can’t hide the horrific fact of what I did, nor do I have a desire to. However that doesn’t mean I am not remorseful at what I have done. I’m going to be working on a letter to the judge throwing myself at the mercy of the court. Hopeful he won’t send me back to that horrible place.  

 

For many years I was not happy with what I had become, and angry with myself for it. I thought if I shut out the world that it will get better. That is why I moved to Seattle because I wanted to become a better person, to see myself accomplish something. Yet here I am in Austin, with no car, nothing to show for myself, except the fact that I’m still alive and there are people that love me, more than I know, or ever will. I don’t want to go back to jail. I saw what it does to people. I don’t want to become a statistic. You know here is the peace in this crazy hare brain thought. I don’t control any of that. This is the thinking that I have to stop, otherwise I will go crazy. This is that alcoholic side of me. My fate is in God’s hands, I know he has something good set out for me.

 

I’ve just got to have faith.

 

These are the kind of thoughts that I get when I can’t do something productive. i.e. go run. It’s only been a week. I think it’s more doing something that makes you happy. Releases the endorphins naturally, that is what keeps the machinery happy. Keep you happy. Something that everyone needs to do on a regular basis, helps to keep those crazy thoughts to a minimum.