Alcoholism

What is going to happen in my life now? It’s been a month and a half since I’ve been released. What is it that I have done to better myself?

           

Well I’ve begun attending AA. I have had a problem with substance abuse for a few years. I stopped everything else and turned to alcohol, because I got tired of the way everything else made me feel. I was tired of being brain dead and watching infomercials in the early morning hours. I have wasted away a good four years of my life, doing various substances. My reasons were pretty straight forward. Self-pity, resentment, anger, and self-loathing, I had hated what I had done to my life. I thought life wasn’t fair, everybody else seemed to have it so easy and it seemed to work so well for them that I was resentful, that’s how the vicious cycle started.

I see now what I have done. Now it’s just a matter of working through the original issues that ‘cause me to start all this. Which was a sense of abandonment and a deep loss from the death of my mother that I never dealt with directly, I just seemed to run from it. At the time I didn’t know what I was doing, I was just reaching out for attention. Our family, in my eyes lost something a lot during that time.

I turned into a very angry child during that time. I think it was because I never dealt with the death and loss. One month after my mother died my father moved to Texas. Leaving me and my sister in L.A. with my grandmother, I felt like he ran away instead of dealing with the problems. It was a very trying time for all of us. I have moved on, I have learned to deal with it in my own way. I am growing. This is a slow process. It’s so easy and fast to totally mess up your life. I moved to Seattle to run away from my immediate problems. Everything will catch up to you at some point. I’ve in turn made it more difficult on myself. I am growing and learning that life is not what you want it to be. It’s what you make of it and get from it. It’s a bunch of experiences strung together. There is no grand plan. That is the hardest thing for me to change about my thinking. I had this grand plan in my head on how things would be for me. Nope. They are completely different from what I had pictured. I’m ok with that. I know where I want to be. Not sure how to get there but it will show itself when the time comes. There is a plan for me. I will become a better person. I will not become a loser. I am better than that. I will taste success. (I just hope I know it when the time comes)

I have a friend that is in Chile now, teaching English. She is an inspiration. That’s exactly what I want to do except in china or in Europe. That is my ambition, it is to travel and meet people, see places, to experience some culture. I don’t want to be an ignorant asshole! Experiencing new things is the only way to ease the ignorance. I am just trying to find my place in this wonderful life.

 

Goals:

1. Find and work on the spiritual part of me
1. Volunteer
2. Learn to forgive and move on
2. Finish a full marathon (currently training for)
3. Start school for a business degree
4. Start learning Chinese
5. Become financially stable
6. Keep a journal