Wants and haves

Another one of those wonderful restless nights, it’s almost one in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I was really tired earlier too. I just ‘pushed’ myself to watch a bit of a movie then I just got carried away, and ended up watching more than I intended to. Monty Python and the Holy Grail, an absolute riot! Yea I know I could call Seattle. however, I never been one to lay myself out like that. It’s also nice to have the benefit of thinking about it and the ever useful ‘backspace’ key, after you realize that it sounded better in your head than it did out in the open, especially when the thoughts haven’t been exactly fleshed out. So to begin, the reason that I am restless tonight is this thing Seattle and I have. Well, what is it exactly. I find myself asking that question, I have enjoy a feeling of affection and infatuation, to name just the ones that pop in my head. However what is it that this is, why is it what it is? Is it a relationship that is kept simmering indefinitely? Is it a failed relationship, in that it had the potential to be so much more however lacked the necessary ingredients at the time to grow? Which I know the answer to be. However having the room that it has now, does it become better? Are one of the parties or both latching onto something ideal, since we have both been jaded by what is generally available? I know there are a lot of questions in this; however these are just a few of the things that have been crossing my mind as of late. Perhaps I am disillusioning myself into the thoughts of what I want this to be, maybe she would be perfect, however there is no way to test that or know for sure given the circumstances at the present. It’s longing for something that… What is it?

 

I have a friend at the least. And something else that would’ve been fleshed out had I stayed in Seattle, for better or worse. Being 2500 miles away really does make it suck! The advent of technology has helped us to stay in contact in ways I would’ve never really executed or thought of before, albeit it is still a device and not a warm body. I another reason that I bring this up is because, I was out at a festival this weekend when I met someone. It’s really not anything; however this is a big reason for my restlessness and the aforementioned questions. In some strange way I felt a little guilty or conflicted, now that I see it in writing, it seems a little irrational and silly(not silly, it’s used for a lack of a better word) thoughts grandeur that I want to think. I want a consenting more than friends personal relationship between adults, while not facing what it really is, which is a ‘pen pal’ that I really want to be with intimately and to get to know better, however due to circumstances it is not possible.

 

Dang my head hurts from this. Either way, sleep is coming…